mixed emotions

We're 7 days away from Christmas and I have been doing so good to keep focused and not think about what I wish for the most every Christmas. I am 42 years old and I have had the same Christmas wish, or maybe the same Christmas dream. Some years aren't as dramatic as other years and I truly thought I would get through this year and not think or wish I had known my mom. Wish I could have spend a holiday snuggled up to her watching Christmas shows as my girls do with me. Or, sit around the table and just laugh the way I laugh with my girls.

I don't talk about these feelings, I usually just have a good cry once a year and move on.

Last night did it...a conversation, and a disappointing one at that. I try so hard NOT to have expectations on relationships with others. I try so hard to go about life and focus on what I can do to keep my thoughts from turning inward.

This Christmas season, I have felt called to give to others....Perfect strangers in fact; and I am so blessed to have a husband who trusts and encourages me to do so. To change up this tradition and go about it differently. To spend Christmas day with those who 'need' someone to invest in them, and not focus on our family who 'expect' it to be as such. I was upfront and honest with our girls to let them know what "our" plan is, and with a few boundaries set, invited them to join us. But, if they could not uphold to those boundaries, they were welcome to spend Christmas somewhere else. I wasn't mean or harsh, and none of our girls seemed offended or angry with the boundaries.
I am surprised then by unsolicited input of how my GROWN children may struggle with 'me' changing Christmas from what they are use to.(I guess it comes across as though my husband has no voice and I'm dragging him along for the ride)

I just want to SCREAM sometimes. Scream at my own mom and ask her if she would be so brass...would she have been so cold...would she have been supportive...encouraging...proud? WHAT???? I want to know how she would have responded. I want to know if she would have been a jealous mom? a competitive mom? would my mother have a personality that demanded me to always do for her, and she not ever want to do for me. Would we bicker, or would we go long periods of time and not talk to one another? Would my mom be superficial, or truly care deep from her heart. Would she seek and thrive on praise from others or settle to give unconditionally?
To be honest, I want to scream at her for not being ok that she was heavy and having a stupid selfish surgery that ended up costing her her life, costing me My mom, costing me a life of needing and wanting something I will never have. I want to throw my own tantrum and tell her how I would spend my life longing to have what I never will from another and living a life fighting off my own selfish feelings and desires of something I was chosen not to have.

Maybe I really hate this time of year...maybe I hide behind all my beautiful decorations to hide something that hurts so much within me.

I don't want a gift card..I don't want money...I don't want some lavish gift that can be broken, or something that could so easily be burned to ashes in a fire. I just want my mom. MY mom... MY MOM. You can't replace my mom, you can't even carry a torch to my mom, you will never be what my mom is to me.

It's true, she is on a pedestal that no one can knock her off of. The more I type, I see it is a pedestal that God is wanting to rise above.
Can I ever be free from this ball and chain of pain that keeps following me. Pain most don't see or know about. I put on a strong exterior as if "you never miss what you've never known". It's not true... because I created an image in my head, not purposefully, and I pray God will go easy as He helps me gently tear down this idol, and helps me to forgive those who let me down because they are not like the image of my mom. It's not their fault, I can see how angry I still am. I give it to you Lord to heal my hurt.