There is Hope, with Christ's covering

The night began like any other night I've volunteered at House of Hope.  This particular night I brought the "Fatties" to visit the girls.  They were more than excited as most kids love animals and the girls ran through the kitchen and living room while the puppies ran after them.  What fun it is to be around the girls and bring a piece of joy that fills all of our lives here in our home, Deklan and Isabelle.  The puppies did not disappoint as they snuggled up to each of the girls all while bringing smiles to the girls faces. 

     I sat down with one of the residents this particular night to plan out the menu for the following week.  Earlier in the day Amanda and I had gone over to go through their pantry and set aside expired food and the house manager had expressed a need for someone to come in and help with menu planning to best use the food they have before it expires.  How I can even prepare such organized menu's is beyond me as I didn't believe I had an organized bone in my body.  "T" and I finished up the menu when one of the girls asked if she could talk to me.  Miss Stephanie was the staff member on duty that night but was upstairs sorting through clothes with the another girl.  We stepped aside and she expressed how she heard "K" (another teenage girl residing there) wanted to sneak out and run away.  I knew I needed to speak to Miss Stephanie, but timing was not making that possible before "K" then asked to speak with me as well.  She pulled me aside and began to cry at how she didn't want to be in the house any longer.  I have no doubt the difficulty it must be to be under such confinement, but was beside myself when she began to say how she wanted to die and just kill herself instead of being there.  I knew immediately I was not equipped to handle such information, but tried to be calm and encouraging to "K".   Our conversation ended with a pinky promise by "K" to work hard and to not harm herself.  I was sure to pass on the info to Stephanie as soon as I could.  Timing however would not be in our favor for that conversation to occur.

     With six girls in the house, all there for different set of reasons, I began assisting another girl in dinner prep for the following dinner meal.  She was peeling potato's and while they potato peeler is under lock and key until the time it is needed so are the knives, scissors etc.  "S" was to  need the knife to cut potato's and I placed in on the counter in front of her.  Miss Stephanie was also in the kitchen during this time and before either of us knew it, "K" grabbed the knife while she mumbled "I'm sick of this" , in which I reached for her hand before she could do it to get the knife away from her.  "K" clung to the knife not willing to give it up and I pressed her into the counter to contain her mobility activity.  Miss Stephanie was trying to assist me yet "K" would thrash herself to prevent her help and Miss Stephanie trusted I had a good grip on K to let go.  With my eyes and my thoughts I was screaming at Miss Stephanie to "call the police", but I could tell Stephanie could not read those thoughts.  I pleaded with "K" to give me the knife and she continue to push against me with opposition.  Then a peace came upon me and words rolled off my tongue such as "you pinky promised me", and "I come here for you, please give me the knife"...I saw into "K's" eyes, I knew she was hurting, I could tell she was fed up, but I could also sense her calm as I calmed....she released the knife.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her while handing the knife to Miss Stephanie.  This ordeal was far from over and yet I was so exhausted.  Surrounding girls were crying in fear as none of them knew what "K" had planned to do with the knife.  The night was chaotic and I wanted to retreat to my home where I feel safe and secure myself.

     Truth of the matter is, I didn't feel comfortable leaving Miss Stephanie alone and I told her so.  She clearly had her hands full that night, and I was scheduled to work at the salon in the morning.  

     The police were eventually called and they took "K" to a nearby hospital.  But not before she tried to escape the police and run from them.

     Reality  has set in from this experience, regardless if this is a Christian atmosphere, Satan is fighting for these girls lives.  I could see that clearly in K's eyes.  She was not the sweet loving girl I had seen just days prior.

     After having a day to ponder over my experience I feel the insecurities blanket around me.  Am I worthy to be with the girls if even on a volunteer basis?  Can I make a difference?  Does this home really need someone like me who is uneducated in every way to help?  All the answers are "NO."  I am not worthy what so ever.  I am not someone who can make a difference, nor am I educated to help anyone.  Honestly, I am nothing without Christ working through me.  HE is the only way I can even go back and face the staff, the girls, or even face my reflection of who and what I am.  This experience is very real for so many teens in this world who feel hopeless, and helpless as we all are without Christ.  We all need the Lord to fill the empty voids in our lives and I need Him more today than ever before.  While I desire to do right by these girls, I simply cannot help them if the Holy Spirit is not working through me.  My human self tells me I have no business volunteering in this home for troubled teens, but Gods Spirit whispers to me HE is my protector, my shield and HE will reach these girls.