My day began like every normal Friday morning at House of Hope. It was a typical restless night as each night is when I stay with the girls, which is every Thursday night. Since it was around 4 am, I knew the girls would be sound asleep and I decided to take a quick shower before beginning my early morning work load that I find myself doing each Friday morning. Once dressed, I pressed the "Start" button on the coffee and went into the staff office to begin paper work.
My heart was heavy and I didn't understand why, but my emotions seemed similar to times when I encountered PMS. However, I hadn't encountered any such emotional mood swing since my hysterectomy in December of 2010. I couldn't shake it, the knot in my stomach was about to push tears up through my eyes and I was not prepared to have an early morning bawling session. Instead, I decided my emotion must be coming from a minor frustration I felt towards the Director of House of Hope and I began typing her an email in regard to "Time" and her disrespect of my time. Many times I wiped tears from my ears as the thoughts swarmed through my mind how ridiculous I was for being so emotional over something so small. I mean it isn't as if Ms. Marilyn was any different than she had been for the past year so why was I so overwhelmed with emotion? I for one am usually very 'in tune' with my emotions and why I feel certain ways. Today was unlike any other day however, I simply could not put my finger on the reason for my burdened heart.
The rest of the mornings routine was similar to every Friday morning. The girls got ready for their day as any other day, but instead of doing our devo's in the living room, I chose to have the girls read 'out loud' while I prepared them breakfast in the kitchen. Then, in normal routine of HOH, the girls quote 1 Corinthians 13 and we normally carry on about the morning with breakfast chores, and individual chat time I make for each girl. But this particular morning I quietly told the girls my heart felt heavy and asked them to bow as I prayed for the day, for each of the girls. My heart remained somber as we sat quietly eating breakfast. Each of the girls look to me for fun table talk, but this morning was not the typical morning. This morning I was holding back tears, and while I'm sure the girls could tell of my nature, none of them questioned me, but ate in silence.
It wasn't until much later in the morning and after I arrived home from my long night at HOH before I heard the startling news of Newton, Connecticut. While I personally was sad for all that these families would be facing, my heart remained heavy in ways I still could not identify.
Through out the evening, and even after my husband inquired, I was not in the mood to talk much.
On my way to the salon the next morning, I took my 'time' as I drove in even though I was running behind. People sped by me as though they had somewhere special to be and all in an obvious hurry.
It was in that moment I realized why my heart was so heavy the day before. Without sounding or feeling arrogant to my emotions, I knew without a doubt my heart was in tune with the Holy Spirit. The sorrow was not mine, it was God's and that minuscule amount of sorrow I felt Friday was obviously small in comparison to God our Father, who gave His own son that we may have life.
My heart is left humbled by this connection, and yet I believe maybe I should have intervened in prayer for what was about to unfold had I understood why my heart was in the condition it was Friday morning.
For now, I pray for the families and the sin that occurred effecting so many onlookers as well. We have no control over other's and their actions from their sin....but we do have an opportunity to surrender our lives to Christ because none of us know when our time is up.
Twenty eight lives were snuffed out in one instant on Friday the 14, 2012....So many more will be impacted in ways the enemy desires...which is his purpose, his only purpose. For me, I cling closer to my Father in Heaven...the ONE and only safety I have in this cruel world. I pray other's too will surrender to Christ, our free will for His wonderful plan... A plan of Hope, and prosperity, not with things one can see, but with what is unseen.
20 little six and seven years old are now Angels in heaven
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