Bittersweet Beauty...a lost memory of an unfamiliar home

Lexington was the street on which we lived

This corner lot of land is where my

childhood home once stood in Bend, Oregon.

     One year ago today, Michael and I took a trip to Bend, Oregon to retrace where I had once lived as a little girl.  The timing couldn't be more perfect since I was still recovering from surgery I had just five weeks prior, and my emotions had been reaching an all time high to reconnect with pains from my lonely childhood.

     This particular time last year was most painful as my closest brother had stopped talking to me for the first time in my life, causing even greater pain in my heart than what I've experienced in my entire life.  So, visiting Bend, Oregon was a bitter sweet experience for me.

Downtown Bend, overlooking a park pond

     When I look at these pictures and reminisce over the beauty of Bend, I'm also taken back to how sad I was when we visited there.  Michael was so very supportive and helped me keep my thoughts afloat although he saw the pain I carried as we basked in the beauty of this place that was once my home.

Roger Skaggs was once a neighbor of ours...I had no memory

of him, but he knew our family when we lived in Bend

and came to meet me to tell me all about our homes location.

     What was meant to be a wonderful experience of retracing my childhood steps, I cannot forget how the timing was just terrible with the emotional pain I was experiencing.  To be honest, it is such a defeated feeling that I couldn't just rise above all I was feeling even in this picture.  My brother could have so helped to connect many of the empty memories if he was actively involved and supporting me in this journey.  But with unfortunate circumstances and horrible misunderstandings that occur in peoples lives, he refused response to my emails and phone calls.  While I put on a happy face for this picture, I was in tears just moments prior to meeting Roger.

     My heart was melting as I so wanted to know my mom, to connect with some sort of memory.  To feel supported by the little bit of family I do have and yet my heart was breaking during this entire visit.  When I saw the "Lexington" street sign that confirmed where I once lived, I wanted to call my brother so terribly bad and share with him the excitement I truly wanted to feel, but pain would surpass any excitement from shining through....

     I cover my emotions as well as most of the guys do in the Anderson family, and I went on about visiting Bend striving to put on a happy face and count the blessing for having my wonderful husbands support.

my blessed support system, Michael..Bend, Oregon

     There was no overlooking the correlation of emotions during this trip to Bend.  They owned most every thought.  What would my mom be thinking of her kids who are now grown?  Five kids she had given birth to and what would she think of how they had turned out?  Heck, my oldest brother remains a rebel to this very day.  The middle child in the family is wandering around, literally aimlessly without purpose. The youngest brother hasn't been seen or heard from in nearly 10 years.  Then there is me and my closest brother for years and years, who, in his own thought process believed I had disrespected the name of our mother and therefore stopped talking to me abruptly.  

     The shame I carry for a misunderstanding is still so very raw to this day.  I am so angry about many many things and I want to shake the pain that jabs at me.  I want to SCREAM for others to understand what they cannot.  I loved my mom, and no one ever has the right to question that love.  I didn't know her, and every fiber in my body has longed to live a life that would please her.  Above God, I've wanted nothing more than to please the memory of my mother whom I didn't know.  It's a HUGE burden to bear, and while no one put that burden upon me, I've tried to find balance.  Thankfully, I trust God understands how I feel, He alone knows my pain that battles within me...and the pride.  My heart longs to make God Lord of my life daily, and the pull of what I want in life takes over.  To be the mother I never had but always wanted.  And, while us humans are far from perfect, I am ostracized from my closest family member and treated as though I no longer exist?!  How does one repair that broken trust?  

     This trip was one I've desired to take for years, and for some reason this was the year it was to happen.  There is peace in retracing steps in some ways, but a gashed wound still resonates when I look at them.  I was very sad during this trip, and that sorrow is hidden behind the beauty of Bend.

Looking across the beautiful hills of Bend from Mt. Bachelor

Mt. Bachelor

Sisters, Oregon

STRENGTH

I am Strength.

I am a way of seeing life

to focus on what is good and positive.

When most people hear my name 

they think of muscles and force.

I am those things, true,

but I am also so much more.

I am the glass that is half full 

rather than the one that is half empty.

I am the child who is creative

rather than the one who makes a mess.

I am the neighbor who is concerned

rather than the one who is meddlesome.

I am the co-worker who is flexible

rather than the one who keeps changing her mind.

I am the platform

on which you can build 

your dreams

for I am the promise of tomorrow

the hope of today

and the wisdom of yesterday.

I am many things

seen through many eyes.

What I want most 

is to be seen

and then recognized.

    

     

     

    

Alicia Mae

Alicia's Senior Prom gown 2011

     Alicia graduated high school in May, and is the last of our children to enjoy all the experiences they have all had in hs.  Here she is looking beautiful for Prom, and it has been more than difficult to get through this year emotionally for me.  However, I've loved watching my girls grow into the young ladies they are.  Alicia is just a special and important part of our family.  She is so loving and giving of herself in many many ways.

     She spent the summer working as a life guard for Shawnee public pool.  How funny to  see her follow in her daddy's footsteps in some ways since Michael was also a lifeguard in high school and after.

      Her summer was just beginning as she and sister Alex spent most of it together.

Alicia, Kristopher Mahan, and Alex go to a KC Chiefs game

     Kristopher Mahan was actually a classmate of Amanda's but became such a close member of our family in many ways.  Alicia sure looks up to Kris like a brother and I respect and trust him whenever he is on home visits from the marines.  At the end of the summer, he was able to come home for a visit and took the girls to a Chiefs game...here they are having a blast.

   

Parasailing in Ocean City, Maryland 2011

     

     The girls spent Labor day weekend in Ocean City with my brother Brian and his wife Kathleen.     Of course they had a wonderful time since B and K are so good to all of my children and in some ways spoil the girls in ways I feel blessed to have such family members who have taken an interest in my family.

Taylor Swift concert, September 2011

     Our graduation gift to Alicia was two Taylor Swift concert tickets, Alicia's favorite music artist of all time.  She was in tears when we gave her the surprise of her life and seeing Taylor in concert was the icing on the cake in this great year.

      Soon after a fun filled summer, Alicia began working for a nearby Animal Clinic.  While she isn't making much money, she is getting great experience working with animals and learning new techniques in clinic care of cats and dogs.  

     I'm extremely proud of Alicia and her great dreams to one day work with large animals in veterinary care.  She works hard, yet remains positive in achieving her dreams, her goals.

     I've loved having her home with us as an only child because Alicia has gotten over looked from time to time.  She really does follow our rules and has been a joy to raise.  I pray she never grows discouraged, yet remains encouraged that she is a beautiful girl whom I am thoroughly proud of.

Alexandra Michelle

what a year Alex has had

     Five months after graduating High school, Alex landed a job at Burns and McDonnell Engineering firm as a mail clerk.  What a wonderful opportunity for Alex as most people go to college to get a job there, and Alex had just graduated HS.  She hadn't given much thought to a long term education followed by a career.  Yet, this job posed many opportunities Alex would soon embark on and recognize the blessings.

     First, she has to get through her fun filled summer of attending many concerts with her sister Alicia, and a trip to Ocean City, Maryland with my brother Brian and his wife Kathleen.  

One of many concerts these two would attend

Ocean City, Maryland 2011

     I don't want to forget to talk about Alex cutting all her hair off.  How adorable does she look with her cute short sporty haircut?  Seriously, it is a good look on Alex and while I was too chicken to cut it off for her, I have sure loved the shorter hair on her.

Parasailing in Ocean City 2011 

     The girls had such a fun filled summer and I loved seeing how well they got along.  However, so many hormones flying here at home, it was time to up the ante.  I typed up a proposal charging each of the girls rent which pushed Alex to move out in the end of September.  While it seemed a bit tense at first, turned into a wonderful circumstance for us all.

     I couldn't be more proud of Alex and how much she has grown up since she moved out onto her own.

She has turned into a young responsible adult and has worked hard in her position at Burns and Mac, and has gotten noticed by top dogs there.

     She recently got offered a new position as a Marketing assistant and while it doesn't pay much more than what she is making, she has accepted the offer and is pursuing a more solid position there.

     Alex has taken her life and is putting it in the hands of God as she seeks her own relationship with Him and pray she keeps striving to grow in her relationship, and see the blessing God will shower upon her.

Amanda Lee

Amanda is the prettiest pregnant girl

Amanda and Jason are doing well in their lives and I couldn't be more excited for the up and coming birth of their baby girl.  After dealing with the loss of their first pregnancy and seeing the hurt in my daughter's eyes, I couldn't be more excited for baby Nora's arrival.  I am over the moon with excitement for this blessed bundle of joy.
Amanda's first trimester was quite a difficult one on her physically.  She was non stop nauseous and hormones were in full swing of ups and downs.  Her first trimester was trying....on us all.
     This second trimester has been far more enjoyable.  Amanda's baby bump is growing, and every now and then I get to feel baby Nora squirm around inside Amanda.  I love watching all of Amanda's modest ways slowly go out the window as she shows off her baby bump, wants her family to feel her baby move around and she hasn't even had her baby yet.  lol...maybe I should be concerned for her lack of modest ways that are still to come once she has her baby.  
     What a funny thought since I know full well how a baby changes.....EVERYTHING. 


Jason is most patient with Amanda and I'm certainly very proud of him.  This isn't the most enjoyable time us women have when our hormones throw us into adult temper tantrums, emotional crying that takes over and owns our eyes when the flood gates open.  Yep, women pretty much become possessed by another life that grows inside us during pregnancy.  Us women become true nut cases, and I got to witness just how I truly was 24 years ago when I was pregnant with Amanda.....a cute pregnant girl bubbling over with emotion..haha.

     One thing we didn't have when I was pregnant with Amanda, were signs like these.  Heck, pregnant women weren't ever given special parking places that helped when taking a newborn baby to a store.  The genius woman who came up with the idea deserves a huge group hug from pregnant supporters around America.  

Amanda and Jason and growing baby Nora  

     This is going to be a great moment in our life to remember.  Our first grandchild!  So exciting I can barely contain myself.  More to come.......

House of Hope field trip

Michael and I join HOH girls on a visit to Cowboy Bill's Ranch

January is my slowest month of the year at the salon, so when I noticed my bleak schedule for Saturday, I was able to rearrange a couple appointments and spend a few hours with the girls outside of the city on a horse ranch. Michael came along this time and got a chance to see who I spend so much of my time with when I am away from home and volunteering at HOH. 

Sitting around the table, the girls learn details of a horses anatomy

This seemed like a second home for the HOH girl.  They appeared extremely comfortable as their faces lit up while we sat at the table to discuss hooves and their important function to a horse.  

Miss Stephanie (on the right) brings such encouragement to these girls with her commitment to them.  I work with her the most and I just love how well we work together.

These two had a bit of fun with artificial mustache...divided in two it was quite cute to see their imagination that made for a laugh.

These girls love being at this Ranch...their face shows it.

I feel a strong bond with these girls.  It is impossible not to think back to when I was their ages.  I remember clearly how much I wanted to be heard, to be thought of as important.  I know how each of them feel....I've been in their shoes....to some degree.

This little sweet one turned 13 on this weekend.  Shh...she would NOT like me calling her "little", but she is just so precious and will do Great things for the Lord, I just feel it.

God knows the plans He has for these girls, the hope and future He has for each one of them.... and I believe in God's great power as I have seen His work in my life...knowing what a troubled teen I was...someone believed in me.  I believe in each of these girls, and I trust God will heal their hearts along with their parents who so love each and every one of them to invest their hard earned money and place them where they know their girls are being loved and cared for while each of them are getting help, encouragement, and vision for their lives as a family.

I wish my dad had sought parenting advice when he was raising us children.  He was stubborn enough to see it through that's for sure...but, I love my dad no matter what.  I am grateful for all of my experiences because I sure can appreciate these girls, their pulled hearts while they live in this house...and I'm so thankful for people like Cowboy Bill who opens up his home and is so giving to these girls.  This was a fun time being with the girls and getting to see their joy as they experience the horses and other's who care about them so.

Tristan

Tristan opens a couple gifts we took him during our visit to the hospital.

Tristan is my best friends son who will be turning 14 in February.  He is a special little guy as he was born with Cerebral Palsy and struggles with full function of his left hand and his legs.  While he cannot talk with words one may comprehend, he can sign a few needs he may have with sign language.  Tristan speaks volumes with his laugh, his amazing smile and he is just a wonderful ray of sunshine who will brighten your day with one wave of his right hand as he holds it up in a crooked tilt and a little shake up and down.  Put on some music and Tristan will break out in an adorable little shake as his smile spreads from ear to ear.  Oh how he loves music, and I love his wiggle, his giggle and the expression he makes when you play music.


Michelle is my best friend and while we don't see eye to eye on many things, she is an amazing mom to Tristan.  I admire her for her poise, her patience and her deep love she has for her son.

Michelle helps Tristan open his gifts.

During these past four months, Tristan has spent most of his time in Children's Mercy Hospital.  First was to fight Ecoli, a horrible infection that was causing his Kidney's to shut down.  The hospital did dialysis to flush out the infection on his Kidney's and allow them to heal until they could function properly again.  After three weeks in the hospital, they sent him home and all began returning to normal...for a few weeks, until he stopped having bowel movements and they were back in the hospital.  The struggle to keep his bowels working on their own has been ongoing ever since.


Michelle took him home on Sunday after spending nearly another three weeks in the hospital with Tristan, and as of last night is back in the hospital.  


In all his 14 years, Tristan has had many special procedures that would help the mobility of his hands, his feet, his legs, and even help prevent seizures, which leaves an outline of the needs Tristan has had to help him live the best life he can live.  However, he has not suffered any complications from any of these procedures and he lives a great life all things considered.  So, with all the complications that have occurred within these past four months, I can't help being concerned with Tristan's health.  My concern isn't something I share with Michelle as I sense she shares the same unspoken concern.


I love Tristan, I love his mamma and I pray his health recovers to it's full capacity so he can live a long happy life.