C is for Crying

I wish today's entry could be one of happiness and joy, but instead it is one I've spent crying.  My heart is to be one that encourages other's to see the rainbow at the end of a storm and know it will be better with each new season.  Therefore, while I cry tears of sorrow, and feel beaten down, I will get back up and I will regain composure.


What comfort I find knowing God counts my tears, and He knows my heart in which I carry this sorrow.  A reality check that I don't get to keep protecting my children from painful life experiences but it hurts to know the world is chiseling away at them.


A humbling reminder that I am not God, but I feel a sense of the agony He must have felt to bear the pain upon Himself to die for us on Calvary.  That is all I can say with today's post as I cry for things I cannot control, for lives I can no longer protect, and trust God's goodness will shine through this pain. 

B is for the Blessing of Baby Nora

Baby Nora's exciting expectancy came in September 2011.  This news was most wonderful to hear after a tough year for all.  Here is Amanda and Jason at their first sonogram at just 6 weeks pregnant.  

What a Blessing to watch our first born expecting her first baby and know she has a healthy pregnancy.  We are all super excited to meet this precious little one and time seems to drag on for her special arrival.

Baby Nora, we are most anxious to see your pretty face in person.  To hear the beautiful sound of the cry that comes from your mouth solidifying your safe arrival.  The countdown has begun as your due date draws closer.  You will bring much joy to our family as God chose you Nora, to be your parents first born, our first grandchild.  

My first born baby is expecting her first born.

We will rejoice with your parents when you arrive in this world.

Baby Nora, you are a blessing!!!

ANDERSON to ALLEN

I've been so busy, this A-Z challenge will be difficult to follow to it's completion.  But, I am going to make my best effort.

A is for Anderson, the last name I was born with and the whole reason I began my blogging to begin with.  What's in a name really?  For me it means everything.  After all, it was the name I was born with, and the name I carried for 21 years, until my dad gave me to the one he trusted to take care of me.

June 30,1990 was my last day as Tracy Anderson and my first day as Tracy Allen.  I love my married name and this year has crossed the point where I have been an Allen longer than I was ever an Anderson.  


I have loved my married name as well, and have embraced my new name with pride, especially as each of our girls were born.

I'm sure most can tell my favorite letter in the Alphabet is in fact A  for the simple fact each of my girls names begin with that letter.  Amanda, Alexandra, and Alicia all given names that specifically begin with the important beginning letter of the alphabet.  While each of their last names will one day change, their first names will be a reminder of the wonderful letter.

We can't forget the infamous A Team that was traditionally started to represent our last name.  Each summer I make our shirts to display the bond we really do have with one another.  We love the letter A and it is sure to carry it's legend long after our girls take on a new name.

JAMES 1 (NIV)

I purchased this bible 14 years ago after we left a church we were once involved with.  While it took awhile to open it's pages, I purchased this cover during a Bible study I took last fall on the subject of 'Believing God.' My spiritual walk is a journey, one that isn't always pretty, but one truly seeking God.

It has been awhile since I have written on my Blog site.  I've been uber busy with my volunteer work at House of Hope, and have recently begun the Bible study on the book of James.  One of the challenges in studying the book of James is to memorize the entire book.  Since the girls in HOH are required to memorize so much scripture, I decided to take on this challenge myself hoping to encourage the girls in the importance of memorizing scripture.  Here is the first chapter in James.......typed out by Memory...I will confess, the very last verse about the orphans had to be retyped as I had the wording wrong.  I have not read through the rest of it...I typed it out as I have said over and over when I go to bed, when I get up, when I am driving, or just when I am home alone.  I've never memorized this much scripture at one time in my life.  It's pretty powerful once you quote it by memory.  So, here it is....the first chapter of James.


James, a servant of God, and of our Lord Jesus Christ.
To the twelve tribes, scattered among the nations;
Greetings,
Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many 
kind, because you know that the testing of your faith develops 
perseverance.  Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may 
be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If anyone lacks 
wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all, without finding 
fault, and it will be given to him  But when he asks, he must believe 
and not doubt, because he  who doubts is like a wave of the sea, 
blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will 
receive anything from the Lord.  He is a double minded man, 
unsettled in all he does.


The brother in humble circumstances ought to take pride in his
high position; but,  the one who is rich, should take pride in his
low position, for he will pass away like a wild flower.  For the
sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant.  It's blossom 
falls and it's beauty is destroyed.  In the same way the rich man
will also fade away, even as he goes about his business.


Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when
he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that 
God has promised to those who love him.


When tempted, no one should say God is tempting me, because 
God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone. 
But; each one is tempted by his own evil desire, he is
dragged away and enticed.  Then, after desire is conceived, it
gives birth to sin.  Then when sin is full grown, it gives birth to
death.


Don't be deceived my dear brothers, every good and perfect 
gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the 
Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
He chose to give us birth, through the word of truth, that we 
might be a kind of first fruits of all He created.


My dear brother, take note of this: everyone should be quick
to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because
mans anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.
Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so
prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can 
save you.


Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves, do 
what it says.  Anyone who listens to the word and doesn't do what
it says is like a man who looks at himself in a mirror; and, after 
looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets
what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect
law that gives freedom. and continues to do so, not forgetting what
he has heard, but doing it, he will be blessed in what he does.


If anyone claims to be religious, and yet, does not keep a tight reign
on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.
Religion God our Father deems pure and faultless is this:
*to look after orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep 
oneself from being polluted by the world. 


* had to peek to finish this one.

Sunday Service

     My family has gone to the same church for nearly 6 years now.  While returning to church life as Michael and I heal from a previous church (I'll share about that experience in a different post), we've struggled to let ourselves "trust" people or really get to know people in this church.  Therefore, we move forward in what one may deem a "slower process."  Our pastor (Mark Warner) is a great speaker, and we never struggle to gain something from his messages that each of us can take to heart.  I feel he teaches truth from the bible, and at times, I feel the Holy Spirit stir within our sanctuary. 
     When Mark is away from the pulpit even for one Sunday, our whole family struggles to want to stay at church as the associate pastor just isn't an easy or challenging listen.  Yesterday was one of those days......I must say, I sensed this may have been a Sunday due for a message from the associate pastor (Dave Andersen) since our pastor hadn't taken a break in a couple of months.  Sure enough, across the sanctuary sat Dave in the front row seat, singing the opening praise song to begin our service.
     A big sigh came over me as I took notice and felt my heart pulled to how comfy my couch would be at that very moment.  I'm certainly embarrassed to admit such truths of how I feel about our pastor vs the associate pastor at our church.  One is an easy listen, one is unfortunately pretty boring to listen to.
     Thankfully, we serve a BIG God who is slow to judge, slow to become angry, and gentle in His way of convicting me for thinking such thoughts and feeling the way I have.  Because Dave's message on Prayer and Thanksgiving was the perfect message, presented perfectly, and one that I needed to hear at this perfect and particular time.
     My heart was opened, the tears were flowing, my eyes closed, I sang and worshiped my Lord as I thanked him for this message that my heart needed to hear.  Then, while I quietly sang to the Lord, I felt something touch my hand.  Not anything heavy or what would hurt me, just a gentle light touch to the back of my hand.  I opened my eyes to see the elderly man who stood in the seat in front of me holding a folded piece of paper, he had touched it to my hand to give it to me.  He simply said "this is for you."  I opened the piece of paper to see photo of a rainbow rose.  My eyes glanced down, then back up to the short man with white as snow hair who again repeated "it's yours."  I meekishly thanked him as I gently held it in my hand and began to refocus on worshiping God as I sang.  I held onto that piece of paper until Michael and I went forward to partake in communion.
     Once service was over, I gently tapped the little old man on his shoulder because I knew that piece of paper was not mine and did not fall out of my bible, but I had to be sure the man intended for me to have it and be sure it didn't belong to someone else.  "It's for you," he said yet again to me.  "The colors of the rose have a specific meaning in lined with the Holy Spirit."  I tried to hear and absorb what he was saying, so I thanked the man, tucked the paper in my bible and left to go on about my day.

A Rainbow Rose printed on a page, given by and elderly man at church.

     I wish I could remember what each color represented in correlation to the Holy Spirit as he did take the time to tell me what the colors meant, but I just cannot seem to remember them.  However, I was moved that we happened to be sitting farther back than we usually do, and right behind the little old guy.  The simplest things can make a huge impact on ones life.  I heard the message, I felt the Holy Spirit, and I welcome even a picture of a rose from a stranger who could have selected either of my two oldest daughter's who sat to the right of me during church....but he selected me, as though he knew I was the one who would be dissecting and giving the mystery behind the colors of this rose, some attention.  I'll post it's meanings as soon as I figure them all out.

     For now, what I will say is I am humbled by the message that was delivered by Dave Andersen, and I am disappointed in my thinking of God working through one, and taking the other for granted.  I truly know better than that, yet I am just thankful God snapped me out "who" is truly speaking.  

Bittersweet Beauty...a lost memory of an unfamiliar home

Lexington was the street on which we lived

This corner lot of land is where my

childhood home once stood in Bend, Oregon.

     One year ago today, Michael and I took a trip to Bend, Oregon to retrace where I had once lived as a little girl.  The timing couldn't be more perfect since I was still recovering from surgery I had just five weeks prior, and my emotions had been reaching an all time high to reconnect with pains from my lonely childhood.

     This particular time last year was most painful as my closest brother had stopped talking to me for the first time in my life, causing even greater pain in my heart than what I've experienced in my entire life.  So, visiting Bend, Oregon was a bitter sweet experience for me.

Downtown Bend, overlooking a park pond

     When I look at these pictures and reminisce over the beauty of Bend, I'm also taken back to how sad I was when we visited there.  Michael was so very supportive and helped me keep my thoughts afloat although he saw the pain I carried as we basked in the beauty of this place that was once my home.

Roger Skaggs was once a neighbor of ours...I had no memory

of him, but he knew our family when we lived in Bend

and came to meet me to tell me all about our homes location.

     What was meant to be a wonderful experience of retracing my childhood steps, I cannot forget how the timing was just terrible with the emotional pain I was experiencing.  To be honest, it is such a defeated feeling that I couldn't just rise above all I was feeling even in this picture.  My brother could have so helped to connect many of the empty memories if he was actively involved and supporting me in this journey.  But with unfortunate circumstances and horrible misunderstandings that occur in peoples lives, he refused response to my emails and phone calls.  While I put on a happy face for this picture, I was in tears just moments prior to meeting Roger.

     My heart was melting as I so wanted to know my mom, to connect with some sort of memory.  To feel supported by the little bit of family I do have and yet my heart was breaking during this entire visit.  When I saw the "Lexington" street sign that confirmed where I once lived, I wanted to call my brother so terribly bad and share with him the excitement I truly wanted to feel, but pain would surpass any excitement from shining through....

     I cover my emotions as well as most of the guys do in the Anderson family, and I went on about visiting Bend striving to put on a happy face and count the blessing for having my wonderful husbands support.

my blessed support system, Michael..Bend, Oregon

     There was no overlooking the correlation of emotions during this trip to Bend.  They owned most every thought.  What would my mom be thinking of her kids who are now grown?  Five kids she had given birth to and what would she think of how they had turned out?  Heck, my oldest brother remains a rebel to this very day.  The middle child in the family is wandering around, literally aimlessly without purpose. The youngest brother hasn't been seen or heard from in nearly 10 years.  Then there is me and my closest brother for years and years, who, in his own thought process believed I had disrespected the name of our mother and therefore stopped talking to me abruptly.  

     The shame I carry for a misunderstanding is still so very raw to this day.  I am so angry about many many things and I want to shake the pain that jabs at me.  I want to SCREAM for others to understand what they cannot.  I loved my mom, and no one ever has the right to question that love.  I didn't know her, and every fiber in my body has longed to live a life that would please her.  Above God, I've wanted nothing more than to please the memory of my mother whom I didn't know.  It's a HUGE burden to bear, and while no one put that burden upon me, I've tried to find balance.  Thankfully, I trust God understands how I feel, He alone knows my pain that battles within me...and the pride.  My heart longs to make God Lord of my life daily, and the pull of what I want in life takes over.  To be the mother I never had but always wanted.  And, while us humans are far from perfect, I am ostracized from my closest family member and treated as though I no longer exist?!  How does one repair that broken trust?  

     This trip was one I've desired to take for years, and for some reason this was the year it was to happen.  There is peace in retracing steps in some ways, but a gashed wound still resonates when I look at them.  I was very sad during this trip, and that sorrow is hidden behind the beauty of Bend.

Looking across the beautiful hills of Bend from Mt. Bachelor

Mt. Bachelor

Sisters, Oregon

STRENGTH

I am Strength.

I am a way of seeing life

to focus on what is good and positive.

When most people hear my name 

they think of muscles and force.

I am those things, true,

but I am also so much more.

I am the glass that is half full 

rather than the one that is half empty.

I am the child who is creative

rather than the one who makes a mess.

I am the neighbor who is concerned

rather than the one who is meddlesome.

I am the co-worker who is flexible

rather than the one who keeps changing her mind.

I am the platform

on which you can build 

your dreams

for I am the promise of tomorrow

the hope of today

and the wisdom of yesterday.

I am many things

seen through many eyes.

What I want most 

is to be seen

and then recognized.