A look at 2012

I am looking forward to this year of blogging.  My wonderful cousin Roberta inspires me with the blogs she so wonderfully posts and the beautiful blog site she keeps.  She helped me a ton last year set up my blog site that I love coming to.  I love looking over all the pictures of my family.  My mom, my daddy, and the few pictures I have of me with my four brothers.

Thanks to Roberta, I printed all the blogs I posted last year and had them turned into a book.  And while I didn't finish my memoir of my childhood, I truly wanted to keep the painful yet heartfelt moments that have shaped me into who   I am today.

I may take some time to go back in time and revisit some of those moments, but today I just want to focus in on up and coming events we are looking forward to this year.

One, is the birth of our granddaughter we are over the moon about.  She is due to arrive on the 22nd of May, 2012.  With prayers and anticipation, I would be lying if I didn't admit my selfish hope she brings her beautiful face into this world on May 19th which will be my 43rd birthday.

I can barely contain my excitement as I know Amanda and Jason will be such wonderful parents and I will be a far better grammy than I ever was a mommy.

For Christmas Alex and Alicia bought them their first piece of baby furniture...a baby swing and bouncer.  They too are so excited to be Auntie's and is such a warm fuzzy feeling to anticipate this long and awaited arrival of baby Nora.

Michael and I have also begun the process of potentially opening our home to Foster children.  I'm terrified I admit because I know the work involved in raising more children.  While it's not confirmed God is calling us in this particular direction, it won't hurt to tap our feet in this water while we wait patiently for Gods approval.

What I do know, God has blessed us greatly through so much adversity.  The blessings are hard to overlook as Michael and I have made it through a near ended marriage, the tumultuous teenage stage with our own children, and the difficult crossing of teens into their young adult life.  Sigh, hard work...lots and lots of tears, prayers, counseling, parenting classes, marriage classes, more prayer and even some crying out impatiently for Gods intervention.  It's all such an overwhelming thought to know God would choose us to give of our lives in this way.

No, I don't feel the support flowing from every direction but our lives are not meant to please on lookers.  Our life doesn't have to make sense to others, heck, it rarely makes sense to me.  What I do know is every time we take a step into unfamiliar territory of serving, Satan is not far behind to trample on our confidence, our hopes, our dreams.

However, even if God doesn't call us to serve in this manner, He will know we obeyed the stirring we heard to move in that direction and trust in His guidance to direct those steps.

I sure love the Lord!

House filled with Hope

I have spent the past month or so doing something I so love to do....working with teenage girls. Sure, it was the most difficult time I have ever had as a mom, and yet I so love my daughters and am so proud of the young ladies they are becoming each day.
The House of Hope is a wonderful Christian, not for profit home created to help troubled teenage girls. The director, Miss Marilyn is a retired Social worker who founded this home and has so graciously allowed me to come in and work with the girls there.
I couldn't be more thrilled to give some of the abundance of free time I have by volunteering there. Usually I assist the staff member who is paid to supervise and work with the teenage girls. However, the staff members expressed the love and need for someone just like me to come in and assist them so they can better serve the girls. PERFECT!!! Exactly what I want to do! I don't need financial compensation to fill a void where I am needed and the burden is not placed on my shoulder (A priceless position in my opinion).

There are currently six girls at H.O.H. and a handful emotionally at that. S just turned 16 and is on "phase 2" in the program. The girls work through different phases before they are sent to "home phase" which is actually time for the girls to be reunited with their parents. On Phase 2, you are allowed to go home for the weekend as be with your family yet, the girls are still in HOH's custody. Phase 2 allows the girl more freedoms than the lower phasers. She is trusted with more responsibilities such as verbal contact with other girls in the house. If the girls are on a lower phase, they are not allowed to speak to another girl in the house at any time. Even on phase 1, which C is on, one is not allowed to speak to any of the other girls. C is given one 5 min phone conversation with her parents once a week, as well as a personal 30 min visit once a week from her parents. All contact is monitored by staff on this phase, but the girl on this phase is just thrilled to see and speak with their family member. K-1 is the one who reminds me most of myself. She is 15 years old and is on "orientation phase" even though she has been at HOH for months. K-1 has 4 older brothers and lost her mother last year. She has spoken of her responsibility of taking care of everyone else and seems to have lived a life of coming and going when she pleased. She's a tough little cookie, but K-1 and I are pretty bonded because of our similar links. I'm hardest on K-1, yet she so looks up to me as a motherly figure. I don't take this position of mine lightly and encourage K-1 to keep looking forward as best she can. (She gets bored pretty easily) Orientation phase can last as long as the girl who is on it chooses it to last. This is the phase where they have to accept responisbility for their actions 100% of the time. This is also the stage where there is no contact with the family until they reach Phase 1 in hopes of encouraging each girl to press through the tough times to reach Phase 1. None of the girls on Orientation phase are allowed to speak to other orientation phasers at any time. K-2 has been at the house as long as I have. She is a black girl and truly brave to ask me to cut all of her hair off. (I had never cut a black persons hair before) Oh, K-2 is beautiful inside and out, and her hair is simply adorable sporting the short afroe look. K-2 was adopted, and while I don't know any of these girls stories personally, I know they are so loved by their parents for investing in their daughter's as they have. T, is 14 and is just a brave little girl. She came to HOH a couple of weeks ago and has shown herself to be a tough little cookie. The one night I was left to care for these girls on my own, T became horribly sick in the night yet never complained or cried how much she wanted to go home. (I would have for sure) I feel a special bond to T just because of her bravery at such a young age. K-3 is the youngest girl I have seen at HOH yet. She is 12 years young and seems to be hurting terribly. She came to the house just two short nights ago and last night had an understandable breakdown as she recognized the confinement she is in. I miss these girls when I am not around them....I look forward to the next time I will be able to go and see them, but I also recognize I have a family as well.
My husband is so supportive and proud I am working with these girls, and I am so proud he is willing to come and play games with them to fill up the girls freetime on the weekends. Michael is such a great guy for all his support at HOH. I don't know what this year holds for me, for Michael, or for my service at HOH. But, I thank God every chance I get for allowing me this opportunity. What a blessing it is to be in these girls lives.

mixed emotions

We're 7 days away from Christmas and I have been doing so good to keep focused and not think about what I wish for the most every Christmas. I am 42 years old and I have had the same Christmas wish, or maybe the same Christmas dream. Some years aren't as dramatic as other years and I truly thought I would get through this year and not think or wish I had known my mom. Wish I could have spend a holiday snuggled up to her watching Christmas shows as my girls do with me. Or, sit around the table and just laugh the way I laugh with my girls.

I don't talk about these feelings, I usually just have a good cry once a year and move on.

Last night did it...a conversation, and a disappointing one at that. I try so hard NOT to have expectations on relationships with others. I try so hard to go about life and focus on what I can do to keep my thoughts from turning inward.

This Christmas season, I have felt called to give to others....Perfect strangers in fact; and I am so blessed to have a husband who trusts and encourages me to do so. To change up this tradition and go about it differently. To spend Christmas day with those who 'need' someone to invest in them, and not focus on our family who 'expect' it to be as such. I was upfront and honest with our girls to let them know what "our" plan is, and with a few boundaries set, invited them to join us. But, if they could not uphold to those boundaries, they were welcome to spend Christmas somewhere else. I wasn't mean or harsh, and none of our girls seemed offended or angry with the boundaries.
I am surprised then by unsolicited input of how my GROWN children may struggle with 'me' changing Christmas from what they are use to.(I guess it comes across as though my husband has no voice and I'm dragging him along for the ride)

I just want to SCREAM sometimes. Scream at my own mom and ask her if she would be so brass...would she have been so cold...would she have been supportive...encouraging...proud? WHAT???? I want to know how she would have responded. I want to know if she would have been a jealous mom? a competitive mom? would my mother have a personality that demanded me to always do for her, and she not ever want to do for me. Would we bicker, or would we go long periods of time and not talk to one another? Would my mom be superficial, or truly care deep from her heart. Would she seek and thrive on praise from others or settle to give unconditionally?
To be honest, I want to scream at her for not being ok that she was heavy and having a stupid selfish surgery that ended up costing her her life, costing me My mom, costing me a life of needing and wanting something I will never have. I want to throw my own tantrum and tell her how I would spend my life longing to have what I never will from another and living a life fighting off my own selfish feelings and desires of something I was chosen not to have.

Maybe I really hate this time of year...maybe I hide behind all my beautiful decorations to hide something that hurts so much within me.

I don't want a gift card..I don't want money...I don't want some lavish gift that can be broken, or something that could so easily be burned to ashes in a fire. I just want my mom. MY mom... MY MOM. You can't replace my mom, you can't even carry a torch to my mom, you will never be what my mom is to me.

It's true, she is on a pedestal that no one can knock her off of. The more I type, I see it is a pedestal that God is wanting to rise above.
Can I ever be free from this ball and chain of pain that keeps following me. Pain most don't see or know about. I put on a strong exterior as if "you never miss what you've never known". It's not true... because I created an image in my head, not purposefully, and I pray God will go easy as He helps me gently tear down this idol, and helps me to forgive those who let me down because they are not like the image of my mom. It's not their fault, I can see how angry I still am. I give it to you Lord to heal my hurt.

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Wisdom comes at a price

There couldn't be a more proud moment as a mom than witnessing my 20 year old daughter boldly take a stand against a potential sexual predator! We spent much of the day yesterday at the Olathe City Police department where my beautiful daughter and her roommate Emily reported an acquaintance who had truly "crossed the line." Since there are three separate individuals living in their town home, it comes at no surprise that they each have a branch of their own friends. Their roommate situation began with Nick as the lease holder and the girls did not feel led to speak up about Nicks friend, Caelin (a 19 yr old guy). Alex had expressed her frustration to me about Caelin's presence but mostly because he didn't pay rent, and would spend 3 days and nights at their home. I kept all my opinions to myself since Alex had just recently moved out and have realized she needs to find her own footing in this Big Cruel world. My only question I asked was if she had a lock on her door. She simply replied no, and while I encouraged her to get one, I left the topic alone. Alex called me Tuesday night asking for a potato casserole recipe. I should have found that question VERY odd, as Alex is a good cook and knows how to cook most things. Her shaken voice was obvious at the time, but I didn't press her once it became clear she couldn't talk at the time. As her mom, I've been trying very hard to mind my own business and let Alex find her way as well as I trust Alex has a pretty good head on her shoulders. My reply was to call me when she could talk, and I trusted her to do just that. Now that I know what I know, it was probably best the occurrence unfolded just the way it did, as you may be reading this post years from now after I am released from jail, maybe more. While I may chuckle when I say "I am thankful for my relationship with God, it saved a guys life yesterday", there is a bit of truth in my emotion to this statement. Those who know me best will understand my platform as a child safety advocate especially with the assaults that occurred during my childhood. I have ZERO tolerance for any type of sexual predator. Even as I type, I feel the blood boil within me for the many crimes that are committed to children around this world, as well as young women who are so very vulnerable and trusting. Nineteen year old Caelin is nothing but a punk who freeloads off friends and does not have a car or a job which is why he spends days at a time at the home which his best friend Nick, Alex and Emily live. On Tuesday, he was left alone in their home to ponder over his perverted thoughts of how to capture my daughter Alex on video. He meticulously cleaned their apartment along with Nicks bedroom as well as Emily's bedroom. (The first sign this lazy guy was up to no good) Alex was the first to arrive home and immediately noticed the house carried a "clean" scent. Caelin was excited to tell Alex all he had done when he inquired if she would be going upstairs to see how he had cleaned Nick's room. (who else finds this bizarre that a punk teen would clean another guys room?) While Alex has been living there for just a few short weeks, she did not deem any reason to distrust Caelin and missed the warning signs when Caelin exclaimed he was going to use the upstairs bathroom. (there is a bathroom on the main floor) Caelin wasn't gone long and Alex went on about her business. I can't help but chuckle as Alex tells me about how her OCD kicked in when she struggled to simply flush the toilet because things had been moved around on the back of the toilet. As she moved the tissue box, she was taken back that a cell phone sat propped against the wall on top of tissue paper that had been wedged between the top of the toilet cover and the wall that held the cell phone securely in it's position. She picked up the phone, turned it around, and realized the "record" button was activated and recording her. She was shocked, scared, and very confused as what to do. She immediately "deleted" the video, and called her room mates. Needless to say, the call I had received was soon after this happened and my daughter's shaken voice was the fear she was feeling since she was alone with this guy. (A sign I'LL never miss again) Alex did everything right according to the situation she was in as she tried to find a way to get out of it as safe as possible. She gathered her things, along with his phone, and left as soon as she could. Once she found safety with her room mate, they went through his phone discovering hundreds of photo's he had taken of women's personal area's. It was clear this guy had a serious issue and an issue our family is far too aware of. Enter the story of..... My best friend who has been married to a voyeur for 14 years too long. I remember vividly the day she called me and shared how she would "catch" her husband watching her in ways she wasn't comfortable. At first, I thought she was just being silly since she was his wife. However, even when she told him to stop....it didn't stop. After years of hearing of his perversions, I expressed the importance of her getting counsel or kicking him out before he acted out on her soon to be teenage daughter. She never went, she never left him, she only grew in her anger and hate towards him. Then the day came where she showed up unannounced of those very fears I had which had come true. Her husband lied of course, stating he was simply looking for a nail on the floor, not peeking under the bathroom door. Sure, she kicked him out, filed a police report, and sought counsel immediately. I offered to take her to the divorce court and get him out of her life for good. But, as unfortunate fate would have it, the police didn't even follow up on the report, and as many abused women will do, she moved him back in. The saga continues and this last spring he confessed to taking photo's of her and her now 16 year old daughter when they were unaware. Again, she kicked him out...again, I supported her and encouraged her as best I knew how without verbally slamming her husband and playing a role in her going back to him. This time he would only spend two months out of their house and she moved him back in but didn't tell me. I was beyond mad, and ended our 17 year friendship. Thankfully, I had been honest with all three of my girls about this voyeurism and what my friends husband had done to their daughter, their whole family and my girls have seen the hurt and pain this has caused my friends daughter. When I ended the friendship, I explained to my very surprised daughter's that I would no longer support or play a role to enable my friend who is enabling her husband. I was angry with her, and angry at what she has enabled to happen to her own daughter. My friend is oblivious....she believes it to be her duty to stay with her husband even though she hates him for what he has done. So imagine the sensitivity my daughter felt when she became the victim of such perverted voyeurism. She knows all to well how difficult it has been with my friends daughter who is friends with my girls. Therefore, I was very proud of my daughter for taking a stand that she can take by filing a police report on this young man for his perverted act. It's doubtful he'll suffer any serious legal consequences, but it does not denote the stand that she took and I am so very proud. May we NEVER minimize the acts that we as a society may deem trivial. I've heard it ALL because of my friends life and the life she continues to live in. Such as her husband hasn't actually "touched" her daughter. (not spoken by my friend, but by church going peers, 12 step programs, professional counselors, and even the police when they never followed up on my friends initial report. I say they are ignorant to the emotional effects this has had on SO many peoples lives) When situations such as this start with a young man who is 19, and we don't take action because it seems like a silly boy..and "boys will be boys", what happens when he gets away with it? Does he move on and act out even greater as he is empowered by the lack of legalities we have in place to protect innocent victims. Doesn't anyone ever wonder where it all began? could it have been prevented? It is NOT okay for any man to take photo's of women and there personal area's, or to video tape them in area's women expect privacy. My daughter may not have been physically touched in a perverted way, but the emotions she feels is the same as someone who has been. She feels fear, insecurity, and very violated of her personal space. I am so proud of Alexandra, for bridging a gap against voyeurs who justify their actions and compare themselves to others who are bigger perverts than they believe themselves to be. I thank God for her physical safety, and I know God will bless her for her bravery.

My oldest daughter Amanda married Jason Wright last summer, a wonderful guy whom we fell in love with ourselves right away. The wedding was beautiful, their love was beautiful, and the thought of our daughter now being in the loving care of this wonderful man was freeing to me as a mom.
Sure, I am still Amanda's mom, but she now belonged to another and all the work, love, patience, and mistakes I personally made in her life was now in the hands of another. To love, to cherish, to honor and respect, in good times and in bad, she belonged to Jason.

With this being said, our family began taking on it's new form as Amanda and Jason would come on weekends to have dinner with us, and I began doing my son-in-laws hair on a regular basis. It's been great having them over, together as a married couple. Our family dynamics was met with lots of laughter as we reminisced childhood memories each of the girls have had. Some of them seemed so trying during the times we went through them, and now we were laughing about the hardest times I had as a mom in their lives. "It's all been worth it, to have moments just like these" were my thoughts.
Within months after they married, Amanda zipped over early one morning to share a test she had just taken. I blinked in disbelief as I saw two pink lines on the pregnancy test she had just taken. I couldn't believe my eyes, and we all began giggling and laughing at what was to come. A baby!!!! My first grandbaby!!! I was so excited for Amanda and Jason...and for ME!!! yipee!!!!, I have had "grandma fever" for years.

As with everyone, we all absorb our circumstance with some reflection of our own life and the upbringing we've had. For me to be a mom who was going to witness my first grandchild was a blessing to say the least.
Oh how I wished my mom had been able to be by my side when I was pregnant with each of my girls, I knew God was so great for allowing me an opportunity to be there with my first born now that she was expecting her first born.
Who knew we would be facing a sad ending to this wonderful exciting news? Or is it a sad ending in reality? We as humans can only see "one side"...our side.
As my daughter continues to mourn her loss, she is able to only see her side and I so sympathize with her pain and the sorrow she has experienced.

From my side, I was unable to protect her from this painful experience. I stood there, helpless in the small darkened room as the sonogram woman searched for the babies heartbeat. "I'm sorry," was all the woman uttered as she dialed for a back up Doctor on duty to ease the inevitable, a miscarried pregnancy. My heart sank as tears flowed down my precious daughter's face until she burrowed into the one she belonged to, Jason. I fought back my own tears as I stood in disbelief of the empty words that woman just spoke moments before.
Just two days prior, we opened gifts on Christmas day showering Amanda with maternity clothes to begin her pregnancy and the bump that would soon follow. Two days ago we were laughing and carrying on with wonderful festivities and excitement of my grandchild's gifts that would be under the tree the following Christmas.
I personally was in denial as Amanda looked fine, felt fine, and I nearly convinced myself the lady was "Wrong" and somehow missed seeing the heartbeat. My heart did not know how to absorb this news, and I didn't have much time to process it myself as I was scheduled for major surgery the following day.
Oh my precious daughter who had just heard hours prior the sad news of her pregnancy, was right there by my bedside when I was brought to my room to recover. Strong and steady she seemed as she stood by me in support of the full hysterectomy I had just gone through. All while she was going through her own heart breaking moment. I was proud of her, and her strength, and the bond of love we have in our family.
While none of it may make sense in this moment, I know how awesome God is when He reveals His greatness amidst all of our life encounters. I long to share that moment with Amanda when He unveils His wonders, and see the good that can come from our most painful experiences.

When people ask Why?

I thank God for my experiences, for the strength He has given me to face the many trials I have faced and the ability to forgive those who have hurt me. I thank God for all the stepping stones that have led me to be the mom I am. I thank God for my husband who has worked hard along with me and help parent and guide our daughters along this journey. It hasn't been easy, but our unity has helped soften the tough times.

God never intended for me to carry this weight, and the burdens that come with that weight. I confess, I have faced weak moments where I am tired of being "strong", but then I remember God promised to be the strength for me. God meant for me to give all my cares and worries to Him, so that I may live a life of "True freedom" from the gunk that collects and clutters up my heart if I fail to do so.

Watching the fruit of our hard work through our daughter's lives has inspired me and given me hope to press on. We have faced many many criticisms from other parents who believed our parenting was "too firm", "too strict", "unreasonable",and even "old fashioned".
Our girls, and their lives are proof that this is not the case. I never expected my children to jump through hoops when we forbid them from having cell phones until they were in high school, or prevented the younger two from having text messaging on their phones until they graduated high school. We didn't expect them to pat us on the backs in support of the "double dating only" rule, or when we didn't take them down to the DMV to pick up their drivers license the minute they turned 16.
No, we reminded our daughter's how we, as their parents we're accountable to God for our decisions in raising them and the guidance we offered to them. My prayer is our girls will continue to recognize the wisdom they've seen from the guidance we have provided them and feel the hope attached to it for their lives in the future. Our way isn't the "right" way, but our heart to serve God and parent our children the way we believe God intended provides an example for our children and an understanding that we have an obedience to God no matter our age or our position. Our purpose and it's reflection is, was, and will always be to guide them. In the end, it's God whom we will all stand before and give an account.