There is Hope, with Christ's covering

The night began like any other night I've volunteered at House of Hope.  This particular night I brought the "Fatties" to visit the girls.  They were more than excited as most kids love animals and the girls ran through the kitchen and living room while the puppies ran after them.  What fun it is to be around the girls and bring a piece of joy that fills all of our lives here in our home, Deklan and Isabelle.  The puppies did not disappoint as they snuggled up to each of the girls all while bringing smiles to the girls faces. 

     I sat down with one of the residents this particular night to plan out the menu for the following week.  Earlier in the day Amanda and I had gone over to go through their pantry and set aside expired food and the house manager had expressed a need for someone to come in and help with menu planning to best use the food they have before it expires.  How I can even prepare such organized menu's is beyond me as I didn't believe I had an organized bone in my body.  "T" and I finished up the menu when one of the girls asked if she could talk to me.  Miss Stephanie was the staff member on duty that night but was upstairs sorting through clothes with the another girl.  We stepped aside and she expressed how she heard "K" (another teenage girl residing there) wanted to sneak out and run away.  I knew I needed to speak to Miss Stephanie, but timing was not making that possible before "K" then asked to speak with me as well.  She pulled me aside and began to cry at how she didn't want to be in the house any longer.  I have no doubt the difficulty it must be to be under such confinement, but was beside myself when she began to say how she wanted to die and just kill herself instead of being there.  I knew immediately I was not equipped to handle such information, but tried to be calm and encouraging to "K".   Our conversation ended with a pinky promise by "K" to work hard and to not harm herself.  I was sure to pass on the info to Stephanie as soon as I could.  Timing however would not be in our favor for that conversation to occur.

     With six girls in the house, all there for different set of reasons, I began assisting another girl in dinner prep for the following dinner meal.  She was peeling potato's and while they potato peeler is under lock and key until the time it is needed so are the knives, scissors etc.  "S" was to  need the knife to cut potato's and I placed in on the counter in front of her.  Miss Stephanie was also in the kitchen during this time and before either of us knew it, "K" grabbed the knife while she mumbled "I'm sick of this" , in which I reached for her hand before she could do it to get the knife away from her.  "K" clung to the knife not willing to give it up and I pressed her into the counter to contain her mobility activity.  Miss Stephanie was trying to assist me yet "K" would thrash herself to prevent her help and Miss Stephanie trusted I had a good grip on K to let go.  With my eyes and my thoughts I was screaming at Miss Stephanie to "call the police", but I could tell Stephanie could not read those thoughts.  I pleaded with "K" to give me the knife and she continue to push against me with opposition.  Then a peace came upon me and words rolled off my tongue such as "you pinky promised me", and "I come here for you, please give me the knife"...I saw into "K's" eyes, I knew she was hurting, I could tell she was fed up, but I could also sense her calm as I calmed....she released the knife.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her while handing the knife to Miss Stephanie.  This ordeal was far from over and yet I was so exhausted.  Surrounding girls were crying in fear as none of them knew what "K" had planned to do with the knife.  The night was chaotic and I wanted to retreat to my home where I feel safe and secure myself.

     Truth of the matter is, I didn't feel comfortable leaving Miss Stephanie alone and I told her so.  She clearly had her hands full that night, and I was scheduled to work at the salon in the morning.  

     The police were eventually called and they took "K" to a nearby hospital.  But not before she tried to escape the police and run from them.

     Reality  has set in from this experience, regardless if this is a Christian atmosphere, Satan is fighting for these girls lives.  I could see that clearly in K's eyes.  She was not the sweet loving girl I had seen just days prior.

     After having a day to ponder over my experience I feel the insecurities blanket around me.  Am I worthy to be with the girls if even on a volunteer basis?  Can I make a difference?  Does this home really need someone like me who is uneducated in every way to help?  All the answers are "NO."  I am not worthy what so ever.  I am not someone who can make a difference, nor am I educated to help anyone.  Honestly, I am nothing without Christ working through me.  HE is the only way I can even go back and face the staff, the girls, or even face my reflection of who and what I am.  This experience is very real for so many teens in this world who feel hopeless, and helpless as we all are without Christ.  We all need the Lord to fill the empty voids in our lives and I need Him more today than ever before.  While I desire to do right by these girls, I simply cannot help them if the Holy Spirit is not working through me.  My human self tells me I have no business volunteering in this home for troubled teens, but Gods Spirit whispers to me HE is my protector, my shield and HE will reach these girls.

Bonds between boys, but girls still Rule! :)

Just before the new year, we took a partial family trip to Arkansas to attend a wedding.  While none of us really wanted to spend the money, neither did we realize how much fun we'd all have taking a road trip together.
Alicia was unfortunately unable to go with us as she believed her work schedule would not allow her to do so.  She so graciously agreed to stay behind and dog sit the furry kids, and I  trusted she would do great on her own as a young adult.  She did as wonderful of a job I believed she would do too...Thanks Alicia :)


Our first morning began getting a late start out of Kansas City, however, we were all thrilled to get the heck out of "Dodge".  It was really no surprise to us girls how long it would take us to get to our destination, with one pregnant woman on board along with my pitiful aging bladder we made many bathroom stops.  Big shocker that the only two men in the family would find some well deserved bonding time as they utilized these precious stops along the way.
Jason needed a back crackin' and poor pregnant Amanda's belly was just too big to accomplish this task, so good Ole dad in law happily took on the task of completing this mission, and I quickly took out my phone to snap a picture.  LOL (you never know what will make my blog boys...haha)

Of course after  hours on the road, the wonderful Arkansas sign was followed with a sigh of relief as we were getting bored.  My one and only hope from visiting Arkansas was to meet the famous "Duggar" family from the reality show "19 kids and counting."  You can find it on TLC if you're interested in following a good clean, happy, and admirable family. I unfortunately did not meet a Duggar. :(

Upon arriving in Rogers, Arkansas, we would soon come to a quick reality check that our hotel we were staying at would be hosting a youth convention filled with Pentecostal preteens and teenagers.  The place was a mad house, and our sanity was quickly challenged when we struggled to get to our 7th floor hotel room as the "free range" running teenagers pushed every button and played on the elevators.  All the same, they did make for many distracting conversations such as  "where could they have possibly purchased those thousands of jean skirts all the girls wore?"

Either way, we were not detoured as we spent most of our free time visiting many many stores in the area.  Our first stop, was a cute and fun store called "Dilly Dally", and yes we dilly dallied for quite some time.  The boys were off playing with all the gadgets and gizmo's they could find just like little boys do in a candy store.  Us girls laughed and enjoyed watching the boys nearly brake *ahem/ lose parts of toys when they fumbled around with things maybe they shouldn't have been touching.  haha.. (I promise I won't tell beyond this blog) ;)

The shopping center was adorable, and the boys were such great sports when we stopped at a Maternity store to buy Amanda a dress for the wedding.  (Heck, at least they had each other to keep them company while us girls did some fun girl shopping.)  

Then we were off to a coffee and tea shop where Alex and I purchased the best blended drinks I've tasted in years!  YUM YUM ... the boys needed a well deserved 'candy shop stop' and here are just a few morsels that caught their attention.

Yep, a candy store dream come true was what we chalked this place up as.

Next, we agreed to have lunch at a Pizza shop Michael had picked from "the Best of the Best" places to eat in Rogers, Arkansas.  mmmm mmmm mmmm, it WAS the best pizza we had ever eaten too!

Before we devoured the yummy pizza..
we're

All smiles

But, as usual, all good things come at a very costly price!  Not long after our tasty lunch, all of our stomachs began to rumble.  I am not exaggerating when I say we were gasping for air, clenching body parts that make for an awkward and terrifying speedy ride back to the hotel.

Amanda and Alex gasped for air as Michael put the "pedal to the medal!"

And laughing was for sure prohibited or there may be a costly mess I was NOT cleaning up...lol.. TMI you say?, well, you may not want to venture onto my blog and read about the crazy life we live.  

Thankfully we arrived to the hotel in the nick of time and no one seemed detoured by the hundreds of teens that were dominating the elevators.  The boys just quickly made way to the first floor lounge carefully and most assuredly taking the fastest baby steps I've seen men take.

Yes, the Pizza parlor made this trip the fun adventure it was meant to be, and has made me far more thankful our grand baby is promised to be a girl.  While boys may be lethal and appear dangerous, they are a hoot to have as entertainment.

Not long after returning to Missouri on our trip back to KC, I saw this sign...

Which reminded me of my roots.  Heck, I grew up with a family of all men and there should never be a 'shock and awe' factor left when my husband and son-in-law get together.  Frankly, I am glad they are so close and they put on their "happy faces" that they are married to GREAT women :).

We really had a wonderful time....Oh, and the wedding was nice too. :)

A look at 2012

I am looking forward to this year of blogging.  My wonderful cousin Roberta inspires me with the blogs she so wonderfully posts and the beautiful blog site she keeps.  She helped me a ton last year set up my blog site that I love coming to.  I love looking over all the pictures of my family.  My mom, my daddy, and the few pictures I have of me with my four brothers.

Thanks to Roberta, I printed all the blogs I posted last year and had them turned into a book.  And while I didn't finish my memoir of my childhood, I truly wanted to keep the painful yet heartfelt moments that have shaped me into who   I am today.

I may take some time to go back in time and revisit some of those moments, but today I just want to focus in on up and coming events we are looking forward to this year.

One, is the birth of our granddaughter we are over the moon about.  She is due to arrive on the 22nd of May, 2012.  With prayers and anticipation, I would be lying if I didn't admit my selfish hope she brings her beautiful face into this world on May 19th which will be my 43rd birthday.

I can barely contain my excitement as I know Amanda and Jason will be such wonderful parents and I will be a far better grammy than I ever was a mommy.

For Christmas Alex and Alicia bought them their first piece of baby furniture...a baby swing and bouncer.  They too are so excited to be Auntie's and is such a warm fuzzy feeling to anticipate this long and awaited arrival of baby Nora.

Michael and I have also begun the process of potentially opening our home to Foster children.  I'm terrified I admit because I know the work involved in raising more children.  While it's not confirmed God is calling us in this particular direction, it won't hurt to tap our feet in this water while we wait patiently for Gods approval.

What I do know, God has blessed us greatly through so much adversity.  The blessings are hard to overlook as Michael and I have made it through a near ended marriage, the tumultuous teenage stage with our own children, and the difficult crossing of teens into their young adult life.  Sigh, hard work...lots and lots of tears, prayers, counseling, parenting classes, marriage classes, more prayer and even some crying out impatiently for Gods intervention.  It's all such an overwhelming thought to know God would choose us to give of our lives in this way.

No, I don't feel the support flowing from every direction but our lives are not meant to please on lookers.  Our life doesn't have to make sense to others, heck, it rarely makes sense to me.  What I do know is every time we take a step into unfamiliar territory of serving, Satan is not far behind to trample on our confidence, our hopes, our dreams.

However, even if God doesn't call us to serve in this manner, He will know we obeyed the stirring we heard to move in that direction and trust in His guidance to direct those steps.

I sure love the Lord!

House filled with Hope

I have spent the past month or so doing something I so love to do....working with teenage girls. Sure, it was the most difficult time I have ever had as a mom, and yet I so love my daughters and am so proud of the young ladies they are becoming each day.
The House of Hope is a wonderful Christian, not for profit home created to help troubled teenage girls. The director, Miss Marilyn is a retired Social worker who founded this home and has so graciously allowed me to come in and work with the girls there.
I couldn't be more thrilled to give some of the abundance of free time I have by volunteering there. Usually I assist the staff member who is paid to supervise and work with the teenage girls. However, the staff members expressed the love and need for someone just like me to come in and assist them so they can better serve the girls. PERFECT!!! Exactly what I want to do! I don't need financial compensation to fill a void where I am needed and the burden is not placed on my shoulder (A priceless position in my opinion).

There are currently six girls at H.O.H. and a handful emotionally at that. S just turned 16 and is on "phase 2" in the program. The girls work through different phases before they are sent to "home phase" which is actually time for the girls to be reunited with their parents. On Phase 2, you are allowed to go home for the weekend as be with your family yet, the girls are still in HOH's custody. Phase 2 allows the girl more freedoms than the lower phasers. She is trusted with more responsibilities such as verbal contact with other girls in the house. If the girls are on a lower phase, they are not allowed to speak to another girl in the house at any time. Even on phase 1, which C is on, one is not allowed to speak to any of the other girls. C is given one 5 min phone conversation with her parents once a week, as well as a personal 30 min visit once a week from her parents. All contact is monitored by staff on this phase, but the girl on this phase is just thrilled to see and speak with their family member. K-1 is the one who reminds me most of myself. She is 15 years old and is on "orientation phase" even though she has been at HOH for months. K-1 has 4 older brothers and lost her mother last year. She has spoken of her responsibility of taking care of everyone else and seems to have lived a life of coming and going when she pleased. She's a tough little cookie, but K-1 and I are pretty bonded because of our similar links. I'm hardest on K-1, yet she so looks up to me as a motherly figure. I don't take this position of mine lightly and encourage K-1 to keep looking forward as best she can. (She gets bored pretty easily) Orientation phase can last as long as the girl who is on it chooses it to last. This is the phase where they have to accept responisbility for their actions 100% of the time. This is also the stage where there is no contact with the family until they reach Phase 1 in hopes of encouraging each girl to press through the tough times to reach Phase 1. None of the girls on Orientation phase are allowed to speak to other orientation phasers at any time. K-2 has been at the house as long as I have. She is a black girl and truly brave to ask me to cut all of her hair off. (I had never cut a black persons hair before) Oh, K-2 is beautiful inside and out, and her hair is simply adorable sporting the short afroe look. K-2 was adopted, and while I don't know any of these girls stories personally, I know they are so loved by their parents for investing in their daughter's as they have. T, is 14 and is just a brave little girl. She came to HOH a couple of weeks ago and has shown herself to be a tough little cookie. The one night I was left to care for these girls on my own, T became horribly sick in the night yet never complained or cried how much she wanted to go home. (I would have for sure) I feel a special bond to T just because of her bravery at such a young age. K-3 is the youngest girl I have seen at HOH yet. She is 12 years young and seems to be hurting terribly. She came to the house just two short nights ago and last night had an understandable breakdown as she recognized the confinement she is in. I miss these girls when I am not around them....I look forward to the next time I will be able to go and see them, but I also recognize I have a family as well.
My husband is so supportive and proud I am working with these girls, and I am so proud he is willing to come and play games with them to fill up the girls freetime on the weekends. Michael is such a great guy for all his support at HOH. I don't know what this year holds for me, for Michael, or for my service at HOH. But, I thank God every chance I get for allowing me this opportunity. What a blessing it is to be in these girls lives.

mixed emotions

We're 7 days away from Christmas and I have been doing so good to keep focused and not think about what I wish for the most every Christmas. I am 42 years old and I have had the same Christmas wish, or maybe the same Christmas dream. Some years aren't as dramatic as other years and I truly thought I would get through this year and not think or wish I had known my mom. Wish I could have spend a holiday snuggled up to her watching Christmas shows as my girls do with me. Or, sit around the table and just laugh the way I laugh with my girls.

I don't talk about these feelings, I usually just have a good cry once a year and move on.

Last night did it...a conversation, and a disappointing one at that. I try so hard NOT to have expectations on relationships with others. I try so hard to go about life and focus on what I can do to keep my thoughts from turning inward.

This Christmas season, I have felt called to give to others....Perfect strangers in fact; and I am so blessed to have a husband who trusts and encourages me to do so. To change up this tradition and go about it differently. To spend Christmas day with those who 'need' someone to invest in them, and not focus on our family who 'expect' it to be as such. I was upfront and honest with our girls to let them know what "our" plan is, and with a few boundaries set, invited them to join us. But, if they could not uphold to those boundaries, they were welcome to spend Christmas somewhere else. I wasn't mean or harsh, and none of our girls seemed offended or angry with the boundaries.
I am surprised then by unsolicited input of how my GROWN children may struggle with 'me' changing Christmas from what they are use to.(I guess it comes across as though my husband has no voice and I'm dragging him along for the ride)

I just want to SCREAM sometimes. Scream at my own mom and ask her if she would be so brass...would she have been so cold...would she have been supportive...encouraging...proud? WHAT???? I want to know how she would have responded. I want to know if she would have been a jealous mom? a competitive mom? would my mother have a personality that demanded me to always do for her, and she not ever want to do for me. Would we bicker, or would we go long periods of time and not talk to one another? Would my mom be superficial, or truly care deep from her heart. Would she seek and thrive on praise from others or settle to give unconditionally?
To be honest, I want to scream at her for not being ok that she was heavy and having a stupid selfish surgery that ended up costing her her life, costing me My mom, costing me a life of needing and wanting something I will never have. I want to throw my own tantrum and tell her how I would spend my life longing to have what I never will from another and living a life fighting off my own selfish feelings and desires of something I was chosen not to have.

Maybe I really hate this time of year...maybe I hide behind all my beautiful decorations to hide something that hurts so much within me.

I don't want a gift card..I don't want money...I don't want some lavish gift that can be broken, or something that could so easily be burned to ashes in a fire. I just want my mom. MY mom... MY MOM. You can't replace my mom, you can't even carry a torch to my mom, you will never be what my mom is to me.

It's true, she is on a pedestal that no one can knock her off of. The more I type, I see it is a pedestal that God is wanting to rise above.
Can I ever be free from this ball and chain of pain that keeps following me. Pain most don't see or know about. I put on a strong exterior as if "you never miss what you've never known". It's not true... because I created an image in my head, not purposefully, and I pray God will go easy as He helps me gently tear down this idol, and helps me to forgive those who let me down because they are not like the image of my mom. It's not their fault, I can see how angry I still am. I give it to you Lord to heal my hurt.

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Wisdom comes at a price

There couldn't be a more proud moment as a mom than witnessing my 20 year old daughter boldly take a stand against a potential sexual predator! We spent much of the day yesterday at the Olathe City Police department where my beautiful daughter and her roommate Emily reported an acquaintance who had truly "crossed the line." Since there are three separate individuals living in their town home, it comes at no surprise that they each have a branch of their own friends. Their roommate situation began with Nick as the lease holder and the girls did not feel led to speak up about Nicks friend, Caelin (a 19 yr old guy). Alex had expressed her frustration to me about Caelin's presence but mostly because he didn't pay rent, and would spend 3 days and nights at their home. I kept all my opinions to myself since Alex had just recently moved out and have realized she needs to find her own footing in this Big Cruel world. My only question I asked was if she had a lock on her door. She simply replied no, and while I encouraged her to get one, I left the topic alone. Alex called me Tuesday night asking for a potato casserole recipe. I should have found that question VERY odd, as Alex is a good cook and knows how to cook most things. Her shaken voice was obvious at the time, but I didn't press her once it became clear she couldn't talk at the time. As her mom, I've been trying very hard to mind my own business and let Alex find her way as well as I trust Alex has a pretty good head on her shoulders. My reply was to call me when she could talk, and I trusted her to do just that. Now that I know what I know, it was probably best the occurrence unfolded just the way it did, as you may be reading this post years from now after I am released from jail, maybe more. While I may chuckle when I say "I am thankful for my relationship with God, it saved a guys life yesterday", there is a bit of truth in my emotion to this statement. Those who know me best will understand my platform as a child safety advocate especially with the assaults that occurred during my childhood. I have ZERO tolerance for any type of sexual predator. Even as I type, I feel the blood boil within me for the many crimes that are committed to children around this world, as well as young women who are so very vulnerable and trusting. Nineteen year old Caelin is nothing but a punk who freeloads off friends and does not have a car or a job which is why he spends days at a time at the home which his best friend Nick, Alex and Emily live. On Tuesday, he was left alone in their home to ponder over his perverted thoughts of how to capture my daughter Alex on video. He meticulously cleaned their apartment along with Nicks bedroom as well as Emily's bedroom. (The first sign this lazy guy was up to no good) Alex was the first to arrive home and immediately noticed the house carried a "clean" scent. Caelin was excited to tell Alex all he had done when he inquired if she would be going upstairs to see how he had cleaned Nick's room. (who else finds this bizarre that a punk teen would clean another guys room?) While Alex has been living there for just a few short weeks, she did not deem any reason to distrust Caelin and missed the warning signs when Caelin exclaimed he was going to use the upstairs bathroom. (there is a bathroom on the main floor) Caelin wasn't gone long and Alex went on about her business. I can't help but chuckle as Alex tells me about how her OCD kicked in when she struggled to simply flush the toilet because things had been moved around on the back of the toilet. As she moved the tissue box, she was taken back that a cell phone sat propped against the wall on top of tissue paper that had been wedged between the top of the toilet cover and the wall that held the cell phone securely in it's position. She picked up the phone, turned it around, and realized the "record" button was activated and recording her. She was shocked, scared, and very confused as what to do. She immediately "deleted" the video, and called her room mates. Needless to say, the call I had received was soon after this happened and my daughter's shaken voice was the fear she was feeling since she was alone with this guy. (A sign I'LL never miss again) Alex did everything right according to the situation she was in as she tried to find a way to get out of it as safe as possible. She gathered her things, along with his phone, and left as soon as she could. Once she found safety with her room mate, they went through his phone discovering hundreds of photo's he had taken of women's personal area's. It was clear this guy had a serious issue and an issue our family is far too aware of. Enter the story of..... My best friend who has been married to a voyeur for 14 years too long. I remember vividly the day she called me and shared how she would "catch" her husband watching her in ways she wasn't comfortable. At first, I thought she was just being silly since she was his wife. However, even when she told him to stop....it didn't stop. After years of hearing of his perversions, I expressed the importance of her getting counsel or kicking him out before he acted out on her soon to be teenage daughter. She never went, she never left him, she only grew in her anger and hate towards him. Then the day came where she showed up unannounced of those very fears I had which had come true. Her husband lied of course, stating he was simply looking for a nail on the floor, not peeking under the bathroom door. Sure, she kicked him out, filed a police report, and sought counsel immediately. I offered to take her to the divorce court and get him out of her life for good. But, as unfortunate fate would have it, the police didn't even follow up on the report, and as many abused women will do, she moved him back in. The saga continues and this last spring he confessed to taking photo's of her and her now 16 year old daughter when they were unaware. Again, she kicked him out...again, I supported her and encouraged her as best I knew how without verbally slamming her husband and playing a role in her going back to him. This time he would only spend two months out of their house and she moved him back in but didn't tell me. I was beyond mad, and ended our 17 year friendship. Thankfully, I had been honest with all three of my girls about this voyeurism and what my friends husband had done to their daughter, their whole family and my girls have seen the hurt and pain this has caused my friends daughter. When I ended the friendship, I explained to my very surprised daughter's that I would no longer support or play a role to enable my friend who is enabling her husband. I was angry with her, and angry at what she has enabled to happen to her own daughter. My friend is oblivious....she believes it to be her duty to stay with her husband even though she hates him for what he has done. So imagine the sensitivity my daughter felt when she became the victim of such perverted voyeurism. She knows all to well how difficult it has been with my friends daughter who is friends with my girls. Therefore, I was very proud of my daughter for taking a stand that she can take by filing a police report on this young man for his perverted act. It's doubtful he'll suffer any serious legal consequences, but it does not denote the stand that she took and I am so very proud. May we NEVER minimize the acts that we as a society may deem trivial. I've heard it ALL because of my friends life and the life she continues to live in. Such as her husband hasn't actually "touched" her daughter. (not spoken by my friend, but by church going peers, 12 step programs, professional counselors, and even the police when they never followed up on my friends initial report. I say they are ignorant to the emotional effects this has had on SO many peoples lives) When situations such as this start with a young man who is 19, and we don't take action because it seems like a silly boy..and "boys will be boys", what happens when he gets away with it? Does he move on and act out even greater as he is empowered by the lack of legalities we have in place to protect innocent victims. Doesn't anyone ever wonder where it all began? could it have been prevented? It is NOT okay for any man to take photo's of women and there personal area's, or to video tape them in area's women expect privacy. My daughter may not have been physically touched in a perverted way, but the emotions she feels is the same as someone who has been. She feels fear, insecurity, and very violated of her personal space. I am so proud of Alexandra, for bridging a gap against voyeurs who justify their actions and compare themselves to others who are bigger perverts than they believe themselves to be. I thank God for her physical safety, and I know God will bless her for her bravery.