Volunteering is the greatest job on earth

Less than two months ago I stopped procrastinating the creation of a resume' I had never done in all 42 years of my life.  Heck, I've been a hairdresser since I was 25 years old and how do you document that on paper?  This wasn't a resume' for hair or that would be easy to make up a portfolio of my work.  And while I have loved my career and all the blessings that come along with it when you have three daughter's, I honestly felt I had very little skills other than successfully raising three daughter's.  Heck, I knew parenting alone was the most difficult job on the face of this earth,(I was still feeling the exhaustion of this truth)but surely wasn't going to document all of those trials and tribulations.


Thankfully, I have a wonderful client (Larry Stone) who has been getting his hair done by me for the past twelve years.  He knows the director of House of Hope and had put in a good word for me prior to my resume' as well as gave me pointers on what to document on paper such as all the bible studies I have been a part of, and any Christian video conferences I have taken.  This alone began a history of courses that I have sincerely given my heart to.  Personally, I would never have considered these classes/ conferences resume' worthy until he put that 'bug' in my ear.  


After spending a good solid day typing and retyping all that I could remember participating in, I felt good about what I would submit to House of Hope (a non denominational Christian home for troubled teenage girls).


Now that I have been working with the staff and the girls in this home for nearly two months, I have found a fresh breath of air to breath in as a Volunteer worker.  Oh my goodness what a blessing it is to be needed, to be wanted by all involved in this foundation.  Volunteering is the best job around.  There is not a demand of hours set in front of me, and there is a huge amount of respect for the fact I have a husband, I have a family and yet I am willing to give of my time and work with this home as a whole.  Heck, it makes it so easy to give of myself with the home being just a mile down the road from my home.


Oh, there have been a couple days I felt frustrated with the girls as if they were my own teenage daughter's.  All I needed was a bit of one on one time with Jesus in prayer and the Holy Spirit spoke volumes to me when I grumbled about the ungrateful girls.  The whisper I heard from above was "I too volunteered my life, and sacrificed my life for all."  Wow, thank you Lord for those most inspiring words upon my heart.  I love volunteering, and love my family for sacrificing their mom/wife by allowing me to give their time to the House of Hope as well.


May my heart remain humbled as I rejoice in this wonderful position I have been called to serve in.  Without God, I am nothing and I sure wouldn't have the heart to do what I am doing.  This really is the greatest job on earth.

Foster Parents/ To be, or not to be?

Our first meeting with DCCCA (which acts as a Child Placing Agency, Family Preservation, Drug and Alcohol Treatment programs) was informative, encouraging, and a pleasant experience all the way around.


I can't say preparing ourselves for the first meeting was enjoyable as our nerves were heightened as well as alerted to the insanity this challenge poses in our lives.  Michael and I were both on edge leading up to yesterday's meeting up until the doorbell rang and Judy sat down to explain the freedoms we will have should we become Foster parents/ adopting Foster children.


What stood out and most surprisingly so is the fact there are so many Foster placing agencies in the state of Kansas alone.  And, we can switch to any agency should WE, as potential Foster parents, decide we are unhappy with this agency.  Personally I was impressed with the idea of this as I recognize the sacrifice that will be made for us to serve our lives and help other parents reunite with their own children.  While my strongest conviction is to protect a child, I like the idea these agencies are also held accountable to find decent homes that will support and protect children first and foremost.  And, should we discover this agency is just shoving a child into any random home, we will have the freedom to go to another agency.  Accountability I fully support given the experience I had in one of my foster homes.  Which I was unashamed to inquire if this agency places 'appropriate aged children' with 'appropriate aged adults'?  Judy knew exactly what I meant while Michael tilted his head in curiosity to the purpose of my question.


There is no skirting around my own experience as a foster child while interviewing Judy.  There was no sound reason for the state of Nebraska to ever place me in the care of young parents who had two young children.  I was the youngest of four older brothers in my birth family and they placed me in the care that set me as the oldest child in the 'Piles' home.  The Piles were not prepared to have a teenager when the foster mom was just a young 28 years old.  OOOOHHH the fire that just boils at the thought of Nebraska's incompetent welfare system....sorry, "refocus Tracy."


It was good to know that per Miss Judy, they take serious the position they have to place children in appropriate 'age differential' homes.  Which is very important to me as anyone reading this can see.


When Miss Judy asked what we were most interested in, Michael and I both looked at one another with united eyes that have two very different views at this point going regarding a Foster Family role.  Judy didn't seem surprised in the least, and frankly, Michael and I know God has come through for us whenever we aren't on the same page. 
"I am interested in adopting foster children" I uttered in confidence as I responded to Judy. Judy said the agency has needs for every role.
I quickly explained my experience as a foster child and why my heart is geared more towards adoption.  


Being a foster child is the crappiest feeling ever.  While my stay with Bev was not a "foster home" in label, the abandoned feeling was the same. (Even if I can see all the blessings and protection God had for me through all my experiences)  The fact remains, my dad abandoned me, didn't know what to do with me, and left me in the hands of a perfect stranger half way across the country.  "Who does that?" are the thoughts that go through my head of course.  And yes, I loved my biological dad no matter how dead beat of a dad he was.  Oh yes, he was too.  It's the truth, my dad was a lost puppy without my mom keeping him in line......leaving me to feel that abandoned feeling I am sure every foster child feels.
Ending up in a foster home at age 15 was in many ways my own fault for leaving my dads home and being gone for an entire week.  Yet, HELLOOOO????, my dad doesn't even call the police??  again, who does that??  I sit here and chuckle because truly, if my child didn't show up the first night, the police would be called.  We were gone 7 whole days and the police happened to find us randomly at someones house.  Not even there looking for us but another gal ratting our presence out.  Hindsight I see my stupid rebellious decisions played such a huge role in the foster home situation.  Maybe God oversaw this event to set in motion the plans he's had for my life all along.  What a comforting thought to know God knew all that would happen and the result that would come from the events I experienced.


For Michael, his upbringing was far different.  Living in a strict Religious home with both parents having an influence in his upbringing.  I know he struggles to see outside of our happy little home life, but in the beginning I heard all about his hurts and pains he walked away with as he understood his childhood to be.  Now, as we are older and wiser, it's easier for me to see how young adult children can have such a skewed view of their childhood.  I know Michael's parents did the best they could and loved their children.  No parent is perfect, but he is so very lucky to have both his parents alive and well and can see them once or twice a year.   Michael and I have one common experience in our upbringing...we both moved around....a lot...both of us found it difficult to call anyplace specifically 'home.'  Therefore, living in Kansas City has become our "home" for us, and for our children. We both agree how this provided a great sense of security for both of us as a couple and collectively as a family.   While I am sick of living in the city, I love Kansas City and this is our home and has been for nearly 22 years.


(*shaking off my detoured thoughts)  Judy explained to us how we can offer our home to a child where we can best serve their needs with our individual and unified abilities to provide for their needs.
In her explanation, we could see more clearly how this process didn't seem as scary as other's perceive it to be in the big picture so many view Fostering a child to be.


She toured our home and pointed out medicines would have to be locked up and all chemicals must be place on a shelf that is at least six feet high.  "Dang, we have a lot of cleaning chemicals, paint, hair peroxide for my business, and many other strong chemicals I personally have overlooked."  Our work is cut out for us to prepare our home for Foster children.  An opportunity to organize our home is how I processed this abundance of information.


Oh, I nearly forgot the huge book she left and explained we had 86 pages to read and paperwork to fill out before Thursday, giving us 5 days to complete this task.

A breath of honesty

Tomorrow is a big day for Michael and I as we will have our first home visit and taking the first steps in Foster parenting/ potential adopting a foster child.  Words cannot describe the mixed emotions I have.  Thoughts of excitement and a bit of fear mixed together like a view of a chocolate and vanilla swirled ice cream cone.  I use the analogy of an ice cream cone because there is nothing wrong with how I feel that I know.  This doesn't mean we are in fact going to go in this direction, but simply taking steps in that direction to see if this is what we are called to do.


Of course my thoughts go round and round about how my husband truly feels.  After all, this was my idea and he agreed to seek more information through the classes we will be taking.


For some reason many insecurities flood my mind about many things to be honest.  More than just moving forward in foster parenting.  Another cross road in our life has appeared and I'm trying hard to view the path ahead.  What am I suppose to do with the rest of my life?  


Why can't the answers come easily?  Would I really just submit the any call that may be sent my way or would I run in the opposite direction?  A part of me wants to just be selfish and travel   because of the entitlement than runs in the forefront of my mind.  I've worked hard to raise our children and I'm tired from all the work.  I'm still so young and I don't want to spend the rest of my life living for myself...or even for just the "two of us."

There is Hope, with Christ's covering

The night began like any other night I've volunteered at House of Hope.  This particular night I brought the "Fatties" to visit the girls.  They were more than excited as most kids love animals and the girls ran through the kitchen and living room while the puppies ran after them.  What fun it is to be around the girls and bring a piece of joy that fills all of our lives here in our home, Deklan and Isabelle.  The puppies did not disappoint as they snuggled up to each of the girls all while bringing smiles to the girls faces. 

     I sat down with one of the residents this particular night to plan out the menu for the following week.  Earlier in the day Amanda and I had gone over to go through their pantry and set aside expired food and the house manager had expressed a need for someone to come in and help with menu planning to best use the food they have before it expires.  How I can even prepare such organized menu's is beyond me as I didn't believe I had an organized bone in my body.  "T" and I finished up the menu when one of the girls asked if she could talk to me.  Miss Stephanie was the staff member on duty that night but was upstairs sorting through clothes with the another girl.  We stepped aside and she expressed how she heard "K" (another teenage girl residing there) wanted to sneak out and run away.  I knew I needed to speak to Miss Stephanie, but timing was not making that possible before "K" then asked to speak with me as well.  She pulled me aside and began to cry at how she didn't want to be in the house any longer.  I have no doubt the difficulty it must be to be under such confinement, but was beside myself when she began to say how she wanted to die and just kill herself instead of being there.  I knew immediately I was not equipped to handle such information, but tried to be calm and encouraging to "K".   Our conversation ended with a pinky promise by "K" to work hard and to not harm herself.  I was sure to pass on the info to Stephanie as soon as I could.  Timing however would not be in our favor for that conversation to occur.

     With six girls in the house, all there for different set of reasons, I began assisting another girl in dinner prep for the following dinner meal.  She was peeling potato's and while they potato peeler is under lock and key until the time it is needed so are the knives, scissors etc.  "S" was to  need the knife to cut potato's and I placed in on the counter in front of her.  Miss Stephanie was also in the kitchen during this time and before either of us knew it, "K" grabbed the knife while she mumbled "I'm sick of this" , in which I reached for her hand before she could do it to get the knife away from her.  "K" clung to the knife not willing to give it up and I pressed her into the counter to contain her mobility activity.  Miss Stephanie was trying to assist me yet "K" would thrash herself to prevent her help and Miss Stephanie trusted I had a good grip on K to let go.  With my eyes and my thoughts I was screaming at Miss Stephanie to "call the police", but I could tell Stephanie could not read those thoughts.  I pleaded with "K" to give me the knife and she continue to push against me with opposition.  Then a peace came upon me and words rolled off my tongue such as "you pinky promised me", and "I come here for you, please give me the knife"...I saw into "K's" eyes, I knew she was hurting, I could tell she was fed up, but I could also sense her calm as I calmed....she released the knife.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her while handing the knife to Miss Stephanie.  This ordeal was far from over and yet I was so exhausted.  Surrounding girls were crying in fear as none of them knew what "K" had planned to do with the knife.  The night was chaotic and I wanted to retreat to my home where I feel safe and secure myself.

     Truth of the matter is, I didn't feel comfortable leaving Miss Stephanie alone and I told her so.  She clearly had her hands full that night, and I was scheduled to work at the salon in the morning.  

     The police were eventually called and they took "K" to a nearby hospital.  But not before she tried to escape the police and run from them.

     Reality  has set in from this experience, regardless if this is a Christian atmosphere, Satan is fighting for these girls lives.  I could see that clearly in K's eyes.  She was not the sweet loving girl I had seen just days prior.

     After having a day to ponder over my experience I feel the insecurities blanket around me.  Am I worthy to be with the girls if even on a volunteer basis?  Can I make a difference?  Does this home really need someone like me who is uneducated in every way to help?  All the answers are "NO."  I am not worthy what so ever.  I am not someone who can make a difference, nor am I educated to help anyone.  Honestly, I am nothing without Christ working through me.  HE is the only way I can even go back and face the staff, the girls, or even face my reflection of who and what I am.  This experience is very real for so many teens in this world who feel hopeless, and helpless as we all are without Christ.  We all need the Lord to fill the empty voids in our lives and I need Him more today than ever before.  While I desire to do right by these girls, I simply cannot help them if the Holy Spirit is not working through me.  My human self tells me I have no business volunteering in this home for troubled teens, but Gods Spirit whispers to me HE is my protector, my shield and HE will reach these girls.

Bonds between boys, but girls still Rule! :)

Just before the new year, we took a partial family trip to Arkansas to attend a wedding.  While none of us really wanted to spend the money, neither did we realize how much fun we'd all have taking a road trip together.
Alicia was unfortunately unable to go with us as she believed her work schedule would not allow her to do so.  She so graciously agreed to stay behind and dog sit the furry kids, and I  trusted she would do great on her own as a young adult.  She did as wonderful of a job I believed she would do too...Thanks Alicia :)


Our first morning began getting a late start out of Kansas City, however, we were all thrilled to get the heck out of "Dodge".  It was really no surprise to us girls how long it would take us to get to our destination, with one pregnant woman on board along with my pitiful aging bladder we made many bathroom stops.  Big shocker that the only two men in the family would find some well deserved bonding time as they utilized these precious stops along the way.
Jason needed a back crackin' and poor pregnant Amanda's belly was just too big to accomplish this task, so good Ole dad in law happily took on the task of completing this mission, and I quickly took out my phone to snap a picture.  LOL (you never know what will make my blog boys...haha)

Of course after  hours on the road, the wonderful Arkansas sign was followed with a sigh of relief as we were getting bored.  My one and only hope from visiting Arkansas was to meet the famous "Duggar" family from the reality show "19 kids and counting."  You can find it on TLC if you're interested in following a good clean, happy, and admirable family. I unfortunately did not meet a Duggar. :(

Upon arriving in Rogers, Arkansas, we would soon come to a quick reality check that our hotel we were staying at would be hosting a youth convention filled with Pentecostal preteens and teenagers.  The place was a mad house, and our sanity was quickly challenged when we struggled to get to our 7th floor hotel room as the "free range" running teenagers pushed every button and played on the elevators.  All the same, they did make for many distracting conversations such as  "where could they have possibly purchased those thousands of jean skirts all the girls wore?"

Either way, we were not detoured as we spent most of our free time visiting many many stores in the area.  Our first stop, was a cute and fun store called "Dilly Dally", and yes we dilly dallied for quite some time.  The boys were off playing with all the gadgets and gizmo's they could find just like little boys do in a candy store.  Us girls laughed and enjoyed watching the boys nearly brake *ahem/ lose parts of toys when they fumbled around with things maybe they shouldn't have been touching.  haha.. (I promise I won't tell beyond this blog) ;)

The shopping center was adorable, and the boys were such great sports when we stopped at a Maternity store to buy Amanda a dress for the wedding.  (Heck, at least they had each other to keep them company while us girls did some fun girl shopping.)  

Then we were off to a coffee and tea shop where Alex and I purchased the best blended drinks I've tasted in years!  YUM YUM ... the boys needed a well deserved 'candy shop stop' and here are just a few morsels that caught their attention.

Yep, a candy store dream come true was what we chalked this place up as.

Next, we agreed to have lunch at a Pizza shop Michael had picked from "the Best of the Best" places to eat in Rogers, Arkansas.  mmmm mmmm mmmm, it WAS the best pizza we had ever eaten too!

Before we devoured the yummy pizza..
we're

All smiles

But, as usual, all good things come at a very costly price!  Not long after our tasty lunch, all of our stomachs began to rumble.  I am not exaggerating when I say we were gasping for air, clenching body parts that make for an awkward and terrifying speedy ride back to the hotel.

Amanda and Alex gasped for air as Michael put the "pedal to the medal!"

And laughing was for sure prohibited or there may be a costly mess I was NOT cleaning up...lol.. TMI you say?, well, you may not want to venture onto my blog and read about the crazy life we live.  

Thankfully we arrived to the hotel in the nick of time and no one seemed detoured by the hundreds of teens that were dominating the elevators.  The boys just quickly made way to the first floor lounge carefully and most assuredly taking the fastest baby steps I've seen men take.

Yes, the Pizza parlor made this trip the fun adventure it was meant to be, and has made me far more thankful our grand baby is promised to be a girl.  While boys may be lethal and appear dangerous, they are a hoot to have as entertainment.

Not long after returning to Missouri on our trip back to KC, I saw this sign...

Which reminded me of my roots.  Heck, I grew up with a family of all men and there should never be a 'shock and awe' factor left when my husband and son-in-law get together.  Frankly, I am glad they are so close and they put on their "happy faces" that they are married to GREAT women :).

We really had a wonderful time....Oh, and the wedding was nice too. :)

A look at 2012

I am looking forward to this year of blogging.  My wonderful cousin Roberta inspires me with the blogs she so wonderfully posts and the beautiful blog site she keeps.  She helped me a ton last year set up my blog site that I love coming to.  I love looking over all the pictures of my family.  My mom, my daddy, and the few pictures I have of me with my four brothers.

Thanks to Roberta, I printed all the blogs I posted last year and had them turned into a book.  And while I didn't finish my memoir of my childhood, I truly wanted to keep the painful yet heartfelt moments that have shaped me into who   I am today.

I may take some time to go back in time and revisit some of those moments, but today I just want to focus in on up and coming events we are looking forward to this year.

One, is the birth of our granddaughter we are over the moon about.  She is due to arrive on the 22nd of May, 2012.  With prayers and anticipation, I would be lying if I didn't admit my selfish hope she brings her beautiful face into this world on May 19th which will be my 43rd birthday.

I can barely contain my excitement as I know Amanda and Jason will be such wonderful parents and I will be a far better grammy than I ever was a mommy.

For Christmas Alex and Alicia bought them their first piece of baby furniture...a baby swing and bouncer.  They too are so excited to be Auntie's and is such a warm fuzzy feeling to anticipate this long and awaited arrival of baby Nora.

Michael and I have also begun the process of potentially opening our home to Foster children.  I'm terrified I admit because I know the work involved in raising more children.  While it's not confirmed God is calling us in this particular direction, it won't hurt to tap our feet in this water while we wait patiently for Gods approval.

What I do know, God has blessed us greatly through so much adversity.  The blessings are hard to overlook as Michael and I have made it through a near ended marriage, the tumultuous teenage stage with our own children, and the difficult crossing of teens into their young adult life.  Sigh, hard work...lots and lots of tears, prayers, counseling, parenting classes, marriage classes, more prayer and even some crying out impatiently for Gods intervention.  It's all such an overwhelming thought to know God would choose us to give of our lives in this way.

No, I don't feel the support flowing from every direction but our lives are not meant to please on lookers.  Our life doesn't have to make sense to others, heck, it rarely makes sense to me.  What I do know is every time we take a step into unfamiliar territory of serving, Satan is not far behind to trample on our confidence, our hopes, our dreams.

However, even if God doesn't call us to serve in this manner, He will know we obeyed the stirring we heard to move in that direction and trust in His guidance to direct those steps.

I sure love the Lord!

House filled with Hope

I have spent the past month or so doing something I so love to do....working with teenage girls. Sure, it was the most difficult time I have ever had as a mom, and yet I so love my daughters and am so proud of the young ladies they are becoming each day.
The House of Hope is a wonderful Christian, not for profit home created to help troubled teenage girls. The director, Miss Marilyn is a retired Social worker who founded this home and has so graciously allowed me to come in and work with the girls there.
I couldn't be more thrilled to give some of the abundance of free time I have by volunteering there. Usually I assist the staff member who is paid to supervise and work with the teenage girls. However, the staff members expressed the love and need for someone just like me to come in and assist them so they can better serve the girls. PERFECT!!! Exactly what I want to do! I don't need financial compensation to fill a void where I am needed and the burden is not placed on my shoulder (A priceless position in my opinion).

There are currently six girls at H.O.H. and a handful emotionally at that. S just turned 16 and is on "phase 2" in the program. The girls work through different phases before they are sent to "home phase" which is actually time for the girls to be reunited with their parents. On Phase 2, you are allowed to go home for the weekend as be with your family yet, the girls are still in HOH's custody. Phase 2 allows the girl more freedoms than the lower phasers. She is trusted with more responsibilities such as verbal contact with other girls in the house. If the girls are on a lower phase, they are not allowed to speak to another girl in the house at any time. Even on phase 1, which C is on, one is not allowed to speak to any of the other girls. C is given one 5 min phone conversation with her parents once a week, as well as a personal 30 min visit once a week from her parents. All contact is monitored by staff on this phase, but the girl on this phase is just thrilled to see and speak with their family member. K-1 is the one who reminds me most of myself. She is 15 years old and is on "orientation phase" even though she has been at HOH for months. K-1 has 4 older brothers and lost her mother last year. She has spoken of her responsibility of taking care of everyone else and seems to have lived a life of coming and going when she pleased. She's a tough little cookie, but K-1 and I are pretty bonded because of our similar links. I'm hardest on K-1, yet she so looks up to me as a motherly figure. I don't take this position of mine lightly and encourage K-1 to keep looking forward as best she can. (She gets bored pretty easily) Orientation phase can last as long as the girl who is on it chooses it to last. This is the phase where they have to accept responisbility for their actions 100% of the time. This is also the stage where there is no contact with the family until they reach Phase 1 in hopes of encouraging each girl to press through the tough times to reach Phase 1. None of the girls on Orientation phase are allowed to speak to other orientation phasers at any time. K-2 has been at the house as long as I have. She is a black girl and truly brave to ask me to cut all of her hair off. (I had never cut a black persons hair before) Oh, K-2 is beautiful inside and out, and her hair is simply adorable sporting the short afroe look. K-2 was adopted, and while I don't know any of these girls stories personally, I know they are so loved by their parents for investing in their daughter's as they have. T, is 14 and is just a brave little girl. She came to HOH a couple of weeks ago and has shown herself to be a tough little cookie. The one night I was left to care for these girls on my own, T became horribly sick in the night yet never complained or cried how much she wanted to go home. (I would have for sure) I feel a special bond to T just because of her bravery at such a young age. K-3 is the youngest girl I have seen at HOH yet. She is 12 years young and seems to be hurting terribly. She came to the house just two short nights ago and last night had an understandable breakdown as she recognized the confinement she is in. I miss these girls when I am not around them....I look forward to the next time I will be able to go and see them, but I also recognize I have a family as well.
My husband is so supportive and proud I am working with these girls, and I am so proud he is willing to come and play games with them to fill up the girls freetime on the weekends. Michael is such a great guy for all his support at HOH. I don't know what this year holds for me, for Michael, or for my service at HOH. But, I thank God every chance I get for allowing me this opportunity. What a blessing it is to be in these girls lives.