Amanda Lee

Amanda is the prettiest pregnant girl

Amanda and Jason are doing well in their lives and I couldn't be more excited for the up and coming birth of their baby girl.  After dealing with the loss of their first pregnancy and seeing the hurt in my daughter's eyes, I couldn't be more excited for baby Nora's arrival.  I am over the moon with excitement for this blessed bundle of joy.
Amanda's first trimester was quite a difficult one on her physically.  She was non stop nauseous and hormones were in full swing of ups and downs.  Her first trimester was trying....on us all.
     This second trimester has been far more enjoyable.  Amanda's baby bump is growing, and every now and then I get to feel baby Nora squirm around inside Amanda.  I love watching all of Amanda's modest ways slowly go out the window as she shows off her baby bump, wants her family to feel her baby move around and she hasn't even had her baby yet.  lol...maybe I should be concerned for her lack of modest ways that are still to come once she has her baby.  
     What a funny thought since I know full well how a baby changes.....EVERYTHING. 


Jason is most patient with Amanda and I'm certainly very proud of him.  This isn't the most enjoyable time us women have when our hormones throw us into adult temper tantrums, emotional crying that takes over and owns our eyes when the flood gates open.  Yep, women pretty much become possessed by another life that grows inside us during pregnancy.  Us women become true nut cases, and I got to witness just how I truly was 24 years ago when I was pregnant with Amanda.....a cute pregnant girl bubbling over with emotion..haha.

     One thing we didn't have when I was pregnant with Amanda, were signs like these.  Heck, pregnant women weren't ever given special parking places that helped when taking a newborn baby to a store.  The genius woman who came up with the idea deserves a huge group hug from pregnant supporters around America.  

Amanda and Jason and growing baby Nora  

     This is going to be a great moment in our life to remember.  Our first grandchild!  So exciting I can barely contain myself.  More to come.......

House of Hope field trip

Michael and I join HOH girls on a visit to Cowboy Bill's Ranch

January is my slowest month of the year at the salon, so when I noticed my bleak schedule for Saturday, I was able to rearrange a couple appointments and spend a few hours with the girls outside of the city on a horse ranch. Michael came along this time and got a chance to see who I spend so much of my time with when I am away from home and volunteering at HOH. 

Sitting around the table, the girls learn details of a horses anatomy

This seemed like a second home for the HOH girl.  They appeared extremely comfortable as their faces lit up while we sat at the table to discuss hooves and their important function to a horse.  

Miss Stephanie (on the right) brings such encouragement to these girls with her commitment to them.  I work with her the most and I just love how well we work together.

These two had a bit of fun with artificial mustache...divided in two it was quite cute to see their imagination that made for a laugh.

These girls love being at this Ranch...their face shows it.

I feel a strong bond with these girls.  It is impossible not to think back to when I was their ages.  I remember clearly how much I wanted to be heard, to be thought of as important.  I know how each of them feel....I've been in their shoes....to some degree.

This little sweet one turned 13 on this weekend.  Shh...she would NOT like me calling her "little", but she is just so precious and will do Great things for the Lord, I just feel it.

God knows the plans He has for these girls, the hope and future He has for each one of them.... and I believe in God's great power as I have seen His work in my life...knowing what a troubled teen I was...someone believed in me.  I believe in each of these girls, and I trust God will heal their hearts along with their parents who so love each and every one of them to invest their hard earned money and place them where they know their girls are being loved and cared for while each of them are getting help, encouragement, and vision for their lives as a family.

I wish my dad had sought parenting advice when he was raising us children.  He was stubborn enough to see it through that's for sure...but, I love my dad no matter what.  I am grateful for all of my experiences because I sure can appreciate these girls, their pulled hearts while they live in this house...and I'm so thankful for people like Cowboy Bill who opens up his home and is so giving to these girls.  This was a fun time being with the girls and getting to see their joy as they experience the horses and other's who care about them so.

Tristan

Tristan opens a couple gifts we took him during our visit to the hospital.

Tristan is my best friends son who will be turning 14 in February.  He is a special little guy as he was born with Cerebral Palsy and struggles with full function of his left hand and his legs.  While he cannot talk with words one may comprehend, he can sign a few needs he may have with sign language.  Tristan speaks volumes with his laugh, his amazing smile and he is just a wonderful ray of sunshine who will brighten your day with one wave of his right hand as he holds it up in a crooked tilt and a little shake up and down.  Put on some music and Tristan will break out in an adorable little shake as his smile spreads from ear to ear.  Oh how he loves music, and I love his wiggle, his giggle and the expression he makes when you play music.


Michelle is my best friend and while we don't see eye to eye on many things, she is an amazing mom to Tristan.  I admire her for her poise, her patience and her deep love she has for her son.

Michelle helps Tristan open his gifts.

During these past four months, Tristan has spent most of his time in Children's Mercy Hospital.  First was to fight Ecoli, a horrible infection that was causing his Kidney's to shut down.  The hospital did dialysis to flush out the infection on his Kidney's and allow them to heal until they could function properly again.  After three weeks in the hospital, they sent him home and all began returning to normal...for a few weeks, until he stopped having bowel movements and they were back in the hospital.  The struggle to keep his bowels working on their own has been ongoing ever since.


Michelle took him home on Sunday after spending nearly another three weeks in the hospital with Tristan, and as of last night is back in the hospital.  


In all his 14 years, Tristan has had many special procedures that would help the mobility of his hands, his feet, his legs, and even help prevent seizures, which leaves an outline of the needs Tristan has had to help him live the best life he can live.  However, he has not suffered any complications from any of these procedures and he lives a great life all things considered.  So, with all the complications that have occurred within these past four months, I can't help being concerned with Tristan's health.  My concern isn't something I share with Michelle as I sense she shares the same unspoken concern.


I love Tristan, I love his mamma and I pray his health recovers to it's full capacity so he can live a long happy life.    

Volunteering is the greatest job on earth

Less than two months ago I stopped procrastinating the creation of a resume' I had never done in all 42 years of my life.  Heck, I've been a hairdresser since I was 25 years old and how do you document that on paper?  This wasn't a resume' for hair or that would be easy to make up a portfolio of my work.  And while I have loved my career and all the blessings that come along with it when you have three daughter's, I honestly felt I had very little skills other than successfully raising three daughter's.  Heck, I knew parenting alone was the most difficult job on the face of this earth,(I was still feeling the exhaustion of this truth)but surely wasn't going to document all of those trials and tribulations.


Thankfully, I have a wonderful client (Larry Stone) who has been getting his hair done by me for the past twelve years.  He knows the director of House of Hope and had put in a good word for me prior to my resume' as well as gave me pointers on what to document on paper such as all the bible studies I have been a part of, and any Christian video conferences I have taken.  This alone began a history of courses that I have sincerely given my heart to.  Personally, I would never have considered these classes/ conferences resume' worthy until he put that 'bug' in my ear.  


After spending a good solid day typing and retyping all that I could remember participating in, I felt good about what I would submit to House of Hope (a non denominational Christian home for troubled teenage girls).


Now that I have been working with the staff and the girls in this home for nearly two months, I have found a fresh breath of air to breath in as a Volunteer worker.  Oh my goodness what a blessing it is to be needed, to be wanted by all involved in this foundation.  Volunteering is the best job around.  There is not a demand of hours set in front of me, and there is a huge amount of respect for the fact I have a husband, I have a family and yet I am willing to give of my time and work with this home as a whole.  Heck, it makes it so easy to give of myself with the home being just a mile down the road from my home.


Oh, there have been a couple days I felt frustrated with the girls as if they were my own teenage daughter's.  All I needed was a bit of one on one time with Jesus in prayer and the Holy Spirit spoke volumes to me when I grumbled about the ungrateful girls.  The whisper I heard from above was "I too volunteered my life, and sacrificed my life for all."  Wow, thank you Lord for those most inspiring words upon my heart.  I love volunteering, and love my family for sacrificing their mom/wife by allowing me to give their time to the House of Hope as well.


May my heart remain humbled as I rejoice in this wonderful position I have been called to serve in.  Without God, I am nothing and I sure wouldn't have the heart to do what I am doing.  This really is the greatest job on earth.

Foster Parents/ To be, or not to be?

Our first meeting with DCCCA (which acts as a Child Placing Agency, Family Preservation, Drug and Alcohol Treatment programs) was informative, encouraging, and a pleasant experience all the way around.


I can't say preparing ourselves for the first meeting was enjoyable as our nerves were heightened as well as alerted to the insanity this challenge poses in our lives.  Michael and I were both on edge leading up to yesterday's meeting up until the doorbell rang and Judy sat down to explain the freedoms we will have should we become Foster parents/ adopting Foster children.


What stood out and most surprisingly so is the fact there are so many Foster placing agencies in the state of Kansas alone.  And, we can switch to any agency should WE, as potential Foster parents, decide we are unhappy with this agency.  Personally I was impressed with the idea of this as I recognize the sacrifice that will be made for us to serve our lives and help other parents reunite with their own children.  While my strongest conviction is to protect a child, I like the idea these agencies are also held accountable to find decent homes that will support and protect children first and foremost.  And, should we discover this agency is just shoving a child into any random home, we will have the freedom to go to another agency.  Accountability I fully support given the experience I had in one of my foster homes.  Which I was unashamed to inquire if this agency places 'appropriate aged children' with 'appropriate aged adults'?  Judy knew exactly what I meant while Michael tilted his head in curiosity to the purpose of my question.


There is no skirting around my own experience as a foster child while interviewing Judy.  There was no sound reason for the state of Nebraska to ever place me in the care of young parents who had two young children.  I was the youngest of four older brothers in my birth family and they placed me in the care that set me as the oldest child in the 'Piles' home.  The Piles were not prepared to have a teenager when the foster mom was just a young 28 years old.  OOOOHHH the fire that just boils at the thought of Nebraska's incompetent welfare system....sorry, "refocus Tracy."


It was good to know that per Miss Judy, they take serious the position they have to place children in appropriate 'age differential' homes.  Which is very important to me as anyone reading this can see.


When Miss Judy asked what we were most interested in, Michael and I both looked at one another with united eyes that have two very different views at this point going regarding a Foster Family role.  Judy didn't seem surprised in the least, and frankly, Michael and I know God has come through for us whenever we aren't on the same page. 
"I am interested in adopting foster children" I uttered in confidence as I responded to Judy. Judy said the agency has needs for every role.
I quickly explained my experience as a foster child and why my heart is geared more towards adoption.  


Being a foster child is the crappiest feeling ever.  While my stay with Bev was not a "foster home" in label, the abandoned feeling was the same. (Even if I can see all the blessings and protection God had for me through all my experiences)  The fact remains, my dad abandoned me, didn't know what to do with me, and left me in the hands of a perfect stranger half way across the country.  "Who does that?" are the thoughts that go through my head of course.  And yes, I loved my biological dad no matter how dead beat of a dad he was.  Oh yes, he was too.  It's the truth, my dad was a lost puppy without my mom keeping him in line......leaving me to feel that abandoned feeling I am sure every foster child feels.
Ending up in a foster home at age 15 was in many ways my own fault for leaving my dads home and being gone for an entire week.  Yet, HELLOOOO????, my dad doesn't even call the police??  again, who does that??  I sit here and chuckle because truly, if my child didn't show up the first night, the police would be called.  We were gone 7 whole days and the police happened to find us randomly at someones house.  Not even there looking for us but another gal ratting our presence out.  Hindsight I see my stupid rebellious decisions played such a huge role in the foster home situation.  Maybe God oversaw this event to set in motion the plans he's had for my life all along.  What a comforting thought to know God knew all that would happen and the result that would come from the events I experienced.


For Michael, his upbringing was far different.  Living in a strict Religious home with both parents having an influence in his upbringing.  I know he struggles to see outside of our happy little home life, but in the beginning I heard all about his hurts and pains he walked away with as he understood his childhood to be.  Now, as we are older and wiser, it's easier for me to see how young adult children can have such a skewed view of their childhood.  I know Michael's parents did the best they could and loved their children.  No parent is perfect, but he is so very lucky to have both his parents alive and well and can see them once or twice a year.   Michael and I have one common experience in our upbringing...we both moved around....a lot...both of us found it difficult to call anyplace specifically 'home.'  Therefore, living in Kansas City has become our "home" for us, and for our children. We both agree how this provided a great sense of security for both of us as a couple and collectively as a family.   While I am sick of living in the city, I love Kansas City and this is our home and has been for nearly 22 years.


(*shaking off my detoured thoughts)  Judy explained to us how we can offer our home to a child where we can best serve their needs with our individual and unified abilities to provide for their needs.
In her explanation, we could see more clearly how this process didn't seem as scary as other's perceive it to be in the big picture so many view Fostering a child to be.


She toured our home and pointed out medicines would have to be locked up and all chemicals must be place on a shelf that is at least six feet high.  "Dang, we have a lot of cleaning chemicals, paint, hair peroxide for my business, and many other strong chemicals I personally have overlooked."  Our work is cut out for us to prepare our home for Foster children.  An opportunity to organize our home is how I processed this abundance of information.


Oh, I nearly forgot the huge book she left and explained we had 86 pages to read and paperwork to fill out before Thursday, giving us 5 days to complete this task.

A breath of honesty

Tomorrow is a big day for Michael and I as we will have our first home visit and taking the first steps in Foster parenting/ potential adopting a foster child.  Words cannot describe the mixed emotions I have.  Thoughts of excitement and a bit of fear mixed together like a view of a chocolate and vanilla swirled ice cream cone.  I use the analogy of an ice cream cone because there is nothing wrong with how I feel that I know.  This doesn't mean we are in fact going to go in this direction, but simply taking steps in that direction to see if this is what we are called to do.


Of course my thoughts go round and round about how my husband truly feels.  After all, this was my idea and he agreed to seek more information through the classes we will be taking.


For some reason many insecurities flood my mind about many things to be honest.  More than just moving forward in foster parenting.  Another cross road in our life has appeared and I'm trying hard to view the path ahead.  What am I suppose to do with the rest of my life?  


Why can't the answers come easily?  Would I really just submit the any call that may be sent my way or would I run in the opposite direction?  A part of me wants to just be selfish and travel   because of the entitlement than runs in the forefront of my mind.  I've worked hard to raise our children and I'm tired from all the work.  I'm still so young and I don't want to spend the rest of my life living for myself...or even for just the "two of us."

There is Hope, with Christ's covering

The night began like any other night I've volunteered at House of Hope.  This particular night I brought the "Fatties" to visit the girls.  They were more than excited as most kids love animals and the girls ran through the kitchen and living room while the puppies ran after them.  What fun it is to be around the girls and bring a piece of joy that fills all of our lives here in our home, Deklan and Isabelle.  The puppies did not disappoint as they snuggled up to each of the girls all while bringing smiles to the girls faces. 

     I sat down with one of the residents this particular night to plan out the menu for the following week.  Earlier in the day Amanda and I had gone over to go through their pantry and set aside expired food and the house manager had expressed a need for someone to come in and help with menu planning to best use the food they have before it expires.  How I can even prepare such organized menu's is beyond me as I didn't believe I had an organized bone in my body.  "T" and I finished up the menu when one of the girls asked if she could talk to me.  Miss Stephanie was the staff member on duty that night but was upstairs sorting through clothes with the another girl.  We stepped aside and she expressed how she heard "K" (another teenage girl residing there) wanted to sneak out and run away.  I knew I needed to speak to Miss Stephanie, but timing was not making that possible before "K" then asked to speak with me as well.  She pulled me aside and began to cry at how she didn't want to be in the house any longer.  I have no doubt the difficulty it must be to be under such confinement, but was beside myself when she began to say how she wanted to die and just kill herself instead of being there.  I knew immediately I was not equipped to handle such information, but tried to be calm and encouraging to "K".   Our conversation ended with a pinky promise by "K" to work hard and to not harm herself.  I was sure to pass on the info to Stephanie as soon as I could.  Timing however would not be in our favor for that conversation to occur.

     With six girls in the house, all there for different set of reasons, I began assisting another girl in dinner prep for the following dinner meal.  She was peeling potato's and while they potato peeler is under lock and key until the time it is needed so are the knives, scissors etc.  "S" was to  need the knife to cut potato's and I placed in on the counter in front of her.  Miss Stephanie was also in the kitchen during this time and before either of us knew it, "K" grabbed the knife while she mumbled "I'm sick of this" , in which I reached for her hand before she could do it to get the knife away from her.  "K" clung to the knife not willing to give it up and I pressed her into the counter to contain her mobility activity.  Miss Stephanie was trying to assist me yet "K" would thrash herself to prevent her help and Miss Stephanie trusted I had a good grip on K to let go.  With my eyes and my thoughts I was screaming at Miss Stephanie to "call the police", but I could tell Stephanie could not read those thoughts.  I pleaded with "K" to give me the knife and she continue to push against me with opposition.  Then a peace came upon me and words rolled off my tongue such as "you pinky promised me", and "I come here for you, please give me the knife"...I saw into "K's" eyes, I knew she was hurting, I could tell she was fed up, but I could also sense her calm as I calmed....she released the knife.  I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her while handing the knife to Miss Stephanie.  This ordeal was far from over and yet I was so exhausted.  Surrounding girls were crying in fear as none of them knew what "K" had planned to do with the knife.  The night was chaotic and I wanted to retreat to my home where I feel safe and secure myself.

     Truth of the matter is, I didn't feel comfortable leaving Miss Stephanie alone and I told her so.  She clearly had her hands full that night, and I was scheduled to work at the salon in the morning.  

     The police were eventually called and they took "K" to a nearby hospital.  But not before she tried to escape the police and run from them.

     Reality  has set in from this experience, regardless if this is a Christian atmosphere, Satan is fighting for these girls lives.  I could see that clearly in K's eyes.  She was not the sweet loving girl I had seen just days prior.

     After having a day to ponder over my experience I feel the insecurities blanket around me.  Am I worthy to be with the girls if even on a volunteer basis?  Can I make a difference?  Does this home really need someone like me who is uneducated in every way to help?  All the answers are "NO."  I am not worthy what so ever.  I am not someone who can make a difference, nor am I educated to help anyone.  Honestly, I am nothing without Christ working through me.  HE is the only way I can even go back and face the staff, the girls, or even face my reflection of who and what I am.  This experience is very real for so many teens in this world who feel hopeless, and helpless as we all are without Christ.  We all need the Lord to fill the empty voids in our lives and I need Him more today than ever before.  While I desire to do right by these girls, I simply cannot help them if the Holy Spirit is not working through me.  My human self tells me I have no business volunteering in this home for troubled teens, but Gods Spirit whispers to me HE is my protector, my shield and HE will reach these girls.